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| Photo via Tumblr. |
Monday, 18 April 2016
Blog break - bon voyage!
This blog has not died a death, it's on a break until I come back from an extended trip in June. Stay tuned!
Friday, 8 April 2016
Everyday happiness series - what we accept, we get
Here's a new post for my everyday happiness - series, this time discussing how we actively co-create our lives by a mere act of accepting. The previous parts are 1# - How to be happier? and 2# - How to quit worrying and envying?
Teaching #3: what we accept, we get
Or, the standards you pass by, are the standards you accept.
How many times have you thought - why am I being treated this poorly or unfairly? Chances are, in average life, that at least a few. Hopefully not every day. But if you think that way every day, this post is definitely for you.
Let's start with a story about my own life. I migrated to Australia with my then-husband (whom I found in my early 20's) years ago, but due to a number of things - huge personality clashes being the major issue - we ended up separating pretty soon after the relocation. I was in a new country with only a handful of (not-yet-so-close) friends, away from all the familiar safety nets such as my family and old friends. To get back on my feet and to manage financially, I decided to find a flatmate.
This flatmate was found quickly and on the outside, she was the sweetest, sunniest thing you can imagine. However, I soon learned that I had walked into a trap. She had her own reasons to live with a flatmate and those reasons revolved around having a crutch to lean on in everything - housework, socialising, and taking care of all of her practical and emotional issues.
Within three months, our cohabitation had spiralled into coercion by emotional blackmail - not a day went by I didn't hear "everyone else would do this for me", "a true friend would do this", "if you were a decent person, you'd do this", etc. The expected tasks ranged from scrubbing the toilet floor, doing her grocery shopping and putting together her IKEA furniture to inviting her to every single social gathering I went (she didn't seem to have many friends of her own, despite the social media appearances).
At first I was happy to help, because I thought it would be a win-win and give-give situation. Of course I can pick a few things in the supermarket for her, too, while I'm there. She had a health condition, so of course I could do some of the heavier tasks. Surely she would help me in turn, too? Right?
Well, that didn't happen. Somehow it was always me doing, giving, helping, taking care of stuff. And not getting a lot in exchange, not even gratitude.
Then, Christmas came and I bought her a present - just something inexpensive as a polite token - and instead of thank you I got an angry response: "now you made me feel bad, I don't have anything for you, why did you do this!". Later on, I learned she was siphoning a portion out of our rent monies so I actually had paid more than needed. I got so fed up I moved out immediately.
The reasons why I tolerated that in the first place were:
Now, this is not nearly as severe as being in an abusive relationship or being bullied at work (or school), but it taught me clearly that the phrase "what we accept, we get" is true. If I had stayed, I would have got more of the same and the chances are the emotional blackmail would have spiralled to be worse. I was already losing time, effort and money, I could have been losing my self-esteem and my own life, too - she was actively undermining my dreams and tried to dig a trench between me and my brand new love interest.
Teaching #3: what we accept, we get
Or, the standards you pass by, are the standards you accept.
How many times have you thought - why am I being treated this poorly or unfairly? Chances are, in average life, that at least a few. Hopefully not every day. But if you think that way every day, this post is definitely for you.
Let's start with a story about my own life. I migrated to Australia with my then-husband (whom I found in my early 20's) years ago, but due to a number of things - huge personality clashes being the major issue - we ended up separating pretty soon after the relocation. I was in a new country with only a handful of (not-yet-so-close) friends, away from all the familiar safety nets such as my family and old friends. To get back on my feet and to manage financially, I decided to find a flatmate.
This flatmate was found quickly and on the outside, she was the sweetest, sunniest thing you can imagine. However, I soon learned that I had walked into a trap. She had her own reasons to live with a flatmate and those reasons revolved around having a crutch to lean on in everything - housework, socialising, and taking care of all of her practical and emotional issues.
Within three months, our cohabitation had spiralled into coercion by emotional blackmail - not a day went by I didn't hear "everyone else would do this for me", "a true friend would do this", "if you were a decent person, you'd do this", etc. The expected tasks ranged from scrubbing the toilet floor, doing her grocery shopping and putting together her IKEA furniture to inviting her to every single social gathering I went (she didn't seem to have many friends of her own, despite the social media appearances).
At first I was happy to help, because I thought it would be a win-win and give-give situation. Of course I can pick a few things in the supermarket for her, too, while I'm there. She had a health condition, so of course I could do some of the heavier tasks. Surely she would help me in turn, too? Right?
Well, that didn't happen. Somehow it was always me doing, giving, helping, taking care of stuff. And not getting a lot in exchange, not even gratitude.
Then, Christmas came and I bought her a present - just something inexpensive as a polite token - and instead of thank you I got an angry response: "now you made me feel bad, I don't have anything for you, why did you do this!". Later on, I learned she was siphoning a portion out of our rent monies so I actually had paid more than needed. I got so fed up I moved out immediately.
The reasons why I tolerated that in the first place were:
- I believed her claims that "a good friend / anyone else would do this, why wouldn't you."
- I didn't have many other people to turn to and I was afraid I'd lose the few friends I had if I actively "rebelled"- I may have been seen as a selfish person if I hadn't helped a flatmate.
- I had a very nice apartment in the city centre I'd need to give up if I moved - there was no way I could have afforded something as nice on my own.
- I thought "this probably is how it is for everyone, there's nothing out of the ordinary going on", regardless of the nagging feeling that I'm being taken advantage of.
Now, this is not nearly as severe as being in an abusive relationship or being bullied at work (or school), but it taught me clearly that the phrase "what we accept, we get" is true. If I had stayed, I would have got more of the same and the chances are the emotional blackmail would have spiralled to be worse. I was already losing time, effort and money, I could have been losing my self-esteem and my own life, too - she was actively undermining my dreams and tried to dig a trench between me and my brand new love interest.
I walked out of this experience just with a few surface scratches but it was an eye-opener for why people stay in relationships that are hurtful and harmful. Because it's so easy to slip into thinking that this is what everyone's life is and surely others wouldn't make a fuss out of something this insignificant. Hardly any abuser starts with a full-blown beating - it starts with small but constant undermining and emotional and mental manipulation to make you think you are in the wrong and they are in the right; and you are just being silly and selfish if you don't agree.
But this is where everyone's inner voice comes at play. Is this right? Am I being treated right? Is this what I want for myself (or for my children/others involved)? Is this the life I dream of?
The same applies to any relationship and situation. Are you disrespected or mistreated at work? Speak up, gather evidence, gather support groups, lodge a formal complaint or leave the place. It won't get better by itself nor by accident.
Is your partner being unfair or worse, abusive either verbally or physically? Speak up, seek help, leave if needed. I know it's not easy but it won't magically change to better. Someone must take action and if it's not you, who could it be? It won't be the abuser because they are getting exactly what they need by keeping you at bay.
The same teaching applies to much milder everyday situations, such as someone being rude. Don't take it. Stay firm and don't let someone's lack of manners dig into your personal space. It only tells who they are, not about who you are. I personally stay away from name calling during arguments, because I want to keep the conversation or debate civil. I've never yelled at anyone "you're a fucking idiot", because I would then open the gates to be called the same.
Here's a tarot spread to examine this topic in more depth:
- What am I accepting from others I shouldn't?
- What action can I take to change it?
- How am I behaving towards others I shouldn't?
- What action can I take to change it?
- How to feel more centred and empowered?
- How to behave to invite better treatment towards myself?
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| 9 Wands, Witches Tarot. Defend your truth, message and authenticity (8 Wands) with your passion, drive and motivation (Ace of Wands) - don't let anyone walk over you. We all have the same right to exist and become the best versions of ourselves. |
Sunday, 3 April 2016
Everyday happiness - series: how to ditch worries and envying?
This post relates to my series "how to find more everyday happiness?" I mentioned when I started this series that I get to attend courses at work regularly on work life balance, mindfulness etc. and this series is inspired by the most pertinent teachings I've encountered. Here's the first part, Teaching #1: what you focus on, will expand.
Teaching #2: worry and envy feel useful, but are not
Of course, in the idea world, no one would need to worry or feel envious, ever. But in this reality of ours, these emotions come and go with the regularity of clockwork. Firstly, what do I mean by useful? Let's examine.
Nobody worries just for fun or entertainment, duh. We worry because we either can't help it (the thoughts and anxieties just circle around, no matter what else we try to think); or, we feel that by being worried we're actually doing something for the problem.
Think about it. How many times you've caught yourself or someone else saying - if I stop worrying, things most definitely won't improve! Then I'm just letting everything go, letting bad things happen, I'm not being prepared. However, being prepared and being worried are not the same thing.
Worrying is mulling over the same or similar thoughts and anxieties in one's head, all the what ifs and worst case scenarios. It might feel like preparing - after all, it's good to know what to do if the proverbial hits the fan - but is worrying really necessary for planning? Isn't it actually hindering planning, by making you feel more scattered and powerless?
Let's face it. All the worrying in the world will not keep you safe. Things can still go sideways. What's the point in worrying, if you've already prepared as well as you can - worrying won't add anything, it just takes away your ability to focus and enjoy.
I grew up in a family where my parents worried about money constantly. We had it tight and it wasn't always given that there would be money for that month's grocery bill and us kids only got new clothes three times per year: when the school year started, for Christmas and birthdays.
However, a pressing need can trigger two reactions: creativity and anxiety. My mum was always good at making things by hands and if we lacked something, there was a good chance mum would come up with a crafty idea. My poor dad, on the other hand, probably had a blood pressure peaking to the moon and back. But did that help in any way, if there simply was no money?
The most difficult thing about stopping worrying is to allow yourself to do it. It's so ingrained in our behaviour that if we stop feeling anxious, it's as if we don't care. And that simply is not true.
A wise person once said: if you worry about the war every day and it never comes, you have unnecessarily lived through war. And can worrying stop a war? Well...
Same applies to envying. Nobody wants to envy, or admit being envious. And yet, it's one of the most common feelings. It's just so easy to slip into it when we see someone having what we'd like to have - or worse, feel we should have instead of the other.
Envy might feel justified and useful, just like worrying. What right does my neighbour have to have such a nice car? Or my colleague to have such a successful relationship, beautiful kids and new home? What have they ever done to earn those? I've worked as hard if not more, I should be the one who's rewarded!
Life does not come with a fairness guarantee. It's up to us to decide what to do with that fact. Whether to work harder and try to achieve what the target of our envy has, or succumb to bitterness.
Spiritually minded people think that everyone has their own karma and hence we receive what we deserve. In my view, karma is not punitive but educational. We can always learn from every situation in life. I believe that if we practice and learn more selfishness by being bitter and envious, we'll also get more "bad karma" - but bad karma merely means more chances to learn how not to be selfish and bitter.
Envy is closely related to hatred in the sense that both are toxic for ourselves. Being envious or bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other to die.
However, worries and envy can be useful if they are used as the initial trigger to improve the situation.
The future worries you? Come up with your best plan to tackle the worries and start taking care of them, one step at a time - and then, simply relax. There's nothing left to do so you might as well take it easy and let the universe handle some of the stuff, too!
Someone else is successful? Great, that just means it can be done by you, too! Success and love are not limited resources which diminish from the world if somebody makes it. It's quite the contrary. The more positive people feel, the more helpful and encouraging they are towards others, too. Working together instead of against each other always produces better results.
Here's a spread to examine these questions in your own life (just focus on worry OR envy, if not both are your issues).
Teaching #2: worry and envy feel useful, but are not
Of course, in the idea world, no one would need to worry or feel envious, ever. But in this reality of ours, these emotions come and go with the regularity of clockwork. Firstly, what do I mean by useful? Let's examine.
Nobody worries just for fun or entertainment, duh. We worry because we either can't help it (the thoughts and anxieties just circle around, no matter what else we try to think); or, we feel that by being worried we're actually doing something for the problem.
Think about it. How many times you've caught yourself or someone else saying - if I stop worrying, things most definitely won't improve! Then I'm just letting everything go, letting bad things happen, I'm not being prepared. However, being prepared and being worried are not the same thing.
Worrying is mulling over the same or similar thoughts and anxieties in one's head, all the what ifs and worst case scenarios. It might feel like preparing - after all, it's good to know what to do if the proverbial hits the fan - but is worrying really necessary for planning? Isn't it actually hindering planning, by making you feel more scattered and powerless?
Let's face it. All the worrying in the world will not keep you safe. Things can still go sideways. What's the point in worrying, if you've already prepared as well as you can - worrying won't add anything, it just takes away your ability to focus and enjoy.
I grew up in a family where my parents worried about money constantly. We had it tight and it wasn't always given that there would be money for that month's grocery bill and us kids only got new clothes three times per year: when the school year started, for Christmas and birthdays.
However, a pressing need can trigger two reactions: creativity and anxiety. My mum was always good at making things by hands and if we lacked something, there was a good chance mum would come up with a crafty idea. My poor dad, on the other hand, probably had a blood pressure peaking to the moon and back. But did that help in any way, if there simply was no money?
The most difficult thing about stopping worrying is to allow yourself to do it. It's so ingrained in our behaviour that if we stop feeling anxious, it's as if we don't care. And that simply is not true.
A wise person once said: if you worry about the war every day and it never comes, you have unnecessarily lived through war. And can worrying stop a war? Well...
Same applies to envying. Nobody wants to envy, or admit being envious. And yet, it's one of the most common feelings. It's just so easy to slip into it when we see someone having what we'd like to have - or worse, feel we should have instead of the other.
Envy might feel justified and useful, just like worrying. What right does my neighbour have to have such a nice car? Or my colleague to have such a successful relationship, beautiful kids and new home? What have they ever done to earn those? I've worked as hard if not more, I should be the one who's rewarded!
Life does not come with a fairness guarantee. It's up to us to decide what to do with that fact. Whether to work harder and try to achieve what the target of our envy has, or succumb to bitterness.
Spiritually minded people think that everyone has their own karma and hence we receive what we deserve. In my view, karma is not punitive but educational. We can always learn from every situation in life. I believe that if we practice and learn more selfishness by being bitter and envious, we'll also get more "bad karma" - but bad karma merely means more chances to learn how not to be selfish and bitter.
Envy is closely related to hatred in the sense that both are toxic for ourselves. Being envious or bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other to die.
However, worries and envy can be useful if they are used as the initial trigger to improve the situation.
The future worries you? Come up with your best plan to tackle the worries and start taking care of them, one step at a time - and then, simply relax. There's nothing left to do so you might as well take it easy and let the universe handle some of the stuff, too!
Someone else is successful? Great, that just means it can be done by you, too! Success and love are not limited resources which diminish from the world if somebody makes it. It's quite the contrary. The more positive people feel, the more helpful and encouraging they are towards others, too. Working together instead of against each other always produces better results.
Here's a spread to examine these questions in your own life (just focus on worry OR envy, if not both are your issues).
How to get rid of worrying or envying?
1. What causes me to worry?
2. Why?
3. What action to take to stop it?
4. What should I focus on in my life instead?
5. What causes me to envy?
6. Why?
7. What reminds me not to envy?
8. What is something I have that others wish they had?
 |
| Be the King of Fire (Wands) of your own life: authentic, confident, worry-free and fun-loving leader. There's no point in envying or worrying. Joie de Vivre tarot, Paulina Cassidy. |
Thursday, 31 March 2016
Why negative tarot cards are necessary?
As every tarot reader knows, each card has a number of meanings and picking the right meaning for a situation is what is the challenge. If each card only meant one thing, no intuition nor much studying would be needed. Reading tarot would definitely be a whole lot easier, but it wouldn't capture much of the experience called human life.
Life is complex, colourful and fluid and no two people experience it exactly the same way due to their own personality traits, expectations, dreams and fears and the intensity of emotions. For one person, missing a train is a catastrophe, but to another it's a mere inconvenience or even a beginning of a new adventure - how to get from place A to place B now, when the first mode of transport is excluded?
It's safe to say that tarot cards depict themes or concepts, but what's the exact content for each situation, depends on the person receiving the reading.
Tarot enthusiasts also know that a tarot deck contains plenty of cards that make us happy to see them - they are regarded as positive - and a number of cards that are disliked or unwanted, i.e. negative.
However, to be able to observe life and use tarot effectively, this black-and-white dichotomy between positive and negative needs to go. Yes, some situations and emotions feel great, and some feel not so great or downright horrible. But even the negative events and feelings serve a purpose.
Sometimes they are needed for cathartic (liberating) purposes. How refreshing does it feel sometimes to have a good cry, even though nobody wants to hurt so much they have to cry?
We can always learn from the negatives and at the very least, if there were no downsides and disappointments in life, how could we experience positives, either? Everything would eventually become a steady, dull flow of neutrality without much spectrum of colours.
I've been keeping an eye on "negative" tarot cards lately because some of them have been repeating in my readings and I've wanted to understand them from a wider perspective.
Here are some new perspectives on typical "negative" cards:
5 Swords
The card of arguments, discord, underhandedness and dishonesty is hardly anybody's favourite. For me personally this card rarely means fighting, possibly because I hate dragging things out and always try to solve arguments instantly with calm practicality (I don't always succeed in staying calm though...).
I also absolutely despise playing the martyr, because I think everyone is responsible for their own actions and should never blame someone else (look what you made me do, OR I've been doing all this without being asked and you don't even notice - hey, if nobody asked, why did you put so much effort in it without discussing it first?)
For me, 5 Swords most often has the meaning: something is being kept from you OR you don't have all the facts. It can mean that something is being discussed or agreed behind my back, which is not always negative, but possibly inconvenient. For example, at work, an agreement might be made that concerns me, too, but where I'm not being consulted. Or, the person I'm dealing with, is not being 100% honest for their own gain. It might not be lying, but it's withholding information nevertheless.
Today I experienced another meaning of 5 Swords in the realm of "a battle that has no winners", or a lose-lose-situation. I do daily spreads of five cards, first three predicting my day from the morning to night and two remaining cards giving advice on what I can learn and what to pay attention to during the day. For this morning, I got the dreaded 5 Swords and was slightly baffled. What sort of an argument or discord could there be, first thing in the morning?
I woke up to learn that our kitchen was invaded by hundreds of ants.
I immediately started fighting, spraying and wiping them off as fast as I could, but of course the tiny buggers just kept creeping out from every nook, crack and cranny and under our front door. When I went to spray outside too, I learnt that an ant army was marching through the corridors of our apartment building. Cheez!! So, for an hour now, I've been fighting a battle I can't win (they will come back eventually) and the ants keep dying en masse. No party will walk out of this as a winner.
5 Cups
The card of disappointments, loss and not gaining what one wanted. Here's another great example of a not-so-lovely card.
This card pops up when things don't go as planned, something doesn't come to fruition, or something is lost and it's causing emotional suffering. However, with 5 Cups, the essential teaching is: don't focus on what's lost, focus on what you still have left. The card traditionally shows three cups or chalices standing upright and two knocked over, and a person staring at the fallen cups in despair.
I've learned through experience that the essential element of this card is expectations. Buddha thought, among others, that suffering comes from expectations. The more we expect, i.e. take for granted or make assumptions, the more likely it is not everything will come to be. Hence, we are setting ourselves up for a disappointment.
It has taken me years to understand the difference between planning, anticipation, being ready and expectations. When I first heard that Buddha's advice in my teens, I thought it's the most stupid thing I've ever heard. Possibly because in my native tongue, expectations were (for some incomprehensible reason) translated as "thirst for life". Suffering comes from the thirst for life, and if you cease to yearn to live, you'll be free. Well, that sounded like a pathway to depression to me.
Now I've figured this advice does not prompt anyone to stop planning or stop living. It simply tells: be mindful and ready, but don't get attached to a certain outcome, process or person. Accept the flow of life: it comes with ups and downs. As mentioned before, without downs and darkness we couldn't experience ups and light, either - life would eventually become flat and boring, as we'd grow complacent and blind to our blessings.
With 5 Cups, it's also important to remember that not everything in life can or should be permanent, but it doesn't mean the experience was less worthy or valuable. If you lose a person from your life, it doesn't mean it was worth nothing. You still learned heaps about yourself, the other person, and a range of emotions - and hopefully have some golden memories to cherish forever.
In our society so much weight and admiration is put on a lifelong marriage, that shorter marriages are seen as failures. Why? Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever - we could never grow, evolve and learn, if everything stayed the same. Sometimes we find the person for life, sometimes that person doesn't even exist, and there are a number of people "lined up" to live and experience with.
8 Cups
The card of loss, abandonment, walking away from something, tired and disappointment. This card must be among the least wanted in a reading.
The main teaching of 8 Cups is in my opinion: just because you've put time, effort and emotions into something, doesn't mean it should or could succeed or become permanent. There can be times when it's better to understand that something you used to value does not have the same value or meaning anymore, and that's ok.
I'm sure everyone knows or has heard about a couple who stays together for the kids, even when there's nothing else to keep them together. It can be a good decision, depending on the personalities, but it can also be a very unwise one, for the growth of everyone involved - the parents and the children. This is very much an 8 Cups situation: something you have built is not worth keeping as it is, after all. Time to move on, to go fill those cups with fresh, different emotions.
The card of leaving and abandonment also has a different side. When we leave, we also start going towards something else. Something new, different and hopefully better, or at least better suited to the person we have evolved to be during the time that was spent by gathering those 8 Cups. So it's not only about walking away, it's about walking towards a new life, even if the new life is not clear or visualised yet.
I've got this card a lot for the past few months and I thought for a long time that it must be prompting me to leave my job, as that has been the only element in my life I'm not fully satisfied with. However, due to the current economic situation where I live, combined with other reasons I don't think now is the best time to jump on something new, I haven't acted on it. During one reading, the meaning finally clicked and it wasn't about leaving, it was about walking towards something new: new people. Cups can depict hearts, i.e. people.
I've felt a bit disconnected with my current social circles due to differing interests and values. I love my family and friends, but I'd be happy to expand my company to those who are more into mindfulness, intuition, creativity and exploring deep questions in life, such as the meaning of this all. Once I figured this and started acting on it, 8 Cups has completely disappeared from my readings, as often happens. Once the message is delivered, the card has no purpose any longer - for now!
Life is complex, colourful and fluid and no two people experience it exactly the same way due to their own personality traits, expectations, dreams and fears and the intensity of emotions. For one person, missing a train is a catastrophe, but to another it's a mere inconvenience or even a beginning of a new adventure - how to get from place A to place B now, when the first mode of transport is excluded?
It's safe to say that tarot cards depict themes or concepts, but what's the exact content for each situation, depends on the person receiving the reading.
Tarot enthusiasts also know that a tarot deck contains plenty of cards that make us happy to see them - they are regarded as positive - and a number of cards that are disliked or unwanted, i.e. negative.
However, to be able to observe life and use tarot effectively, this black-and-white dichotomy between positive and negative needs to go. Yes, some situations and emotions feel great, and some feel not so great or downright horrible. But even the negative events and feelings serve a purpose.
Sometimes they are needed for cathartic (liberating) purposes. How refreshing does it feel sometimes to have a good cry, even though nobody wants to hurt so much they have to cry?
We can always learn from the negatives and at the very least, if there were no downsides and disappointments in life, how could we experience positives, either? Everything would eventually become a steady, dull flow of neutrality without much spectrum of colours.
I've been keeping an eye on "negative" tarot cards lately because some of them have been repeating in my readings and I've wanted to understand them from a wider perspective.
Here are some new perspectives on typical "negative" cards:
5 Swords
The card of arguments, discord, underhandedness and dishonesty is hardly anybody's favourite. For me personally this card rarely means fighting, possibly because I hate dragging things out and always try to solve arguments instantly with calm practicality (I don't always succeed in staying calm though...).
I also absolutely despise playing the martyr, because I think everyone is responsible for their own actions and should never blame someone else (look what you made me do, OR I've been doing all this without being asked and you don't even notice - hey, if nobody asked, why did you put so much effort in it without discussing it first?)
For me, 5 Swords most often has the meaning: something is being kept from you OR you don't have all the facts. It can mean that something is being discussed or agreed behind my back, which is not always negative, but possibly inconvenient. For example, at work, an agreement might be made that concerns me, too, but where I'm not being consulted. Or, the person I'm dealing with, is not being 100% honest for their own gain. It might not be lying, but it's withholding information nevertheless.
Today I experienced another meaning of 5 Swords in the realm of "a battle that has no winners", or a lose-lose-situation. I do daily spreads of five cards, first three predicting my day from the morning to night and two remaining cards giving advice on what I can learn and what to pay attention to during the day. For this morning, I got the dreaded 5 Swords and was slightly baffled. What sort of an argument or discord could there be, first thing in the morning?
I woke up to learn that our kitchen was invaded by hundreds of ants.
I immediately started fighting, spraying and wiping them off as fast as I could, but of course the tiny buggers just kept creeping out from every nook, crack and cranny and under our front door. When I went to spray outside too, I learnt that an ant army was marching through the corridors of our apartment building. Cheez!! So, for an hour now, I've been fighting a battle I can't win (they will come back eventually) and the ants keep dying en masse. No party will walk out of this as a winner.
5 Cups
The card of disappointments, loss and not gaining what one wanted. Here's another great example of a not-so-lovely card.
This card pops up when things don't go as planned, something doesn't come to fruition, or something is lost and it's causing emotional suffering. However, with 5 Cups, the essential teaching is: don't focus on what's lost, focus on what you still have left. The card traditionally shows three cups or chalices standing upright and two knocked over, and a person staring at the fallen cups in despair.
I've learned through experience that the essential element of this card is expectations. Buddha thought, among others, that suffering comes from expectations. The more we expect, i.e. take for granted or make assumptions, the more likely it is not everything will come to be. Hence, we are setting ourselves up for a disappointment.
It has taken me years to understand the difference between planning, anticipation, being ready and expectations. When I first heard that Buddha's advice in my teens, I thought it's the most stupid thing I've ever heard. Possibly because in my native tongue, expectations were (for some incomprehensible reason) translated as "thirst for life". Suffering comes from the thirst for life, and if you cease to yearn to live, you'll be free. Well, that sounded like a pathway to depression to me.
Now I've figured this advice does not prompt anyone to stop planning or stop living. It simply tells: be mindful and ready, but don't get attached to a certain outcome, process or person. Accept the flow of life: it comes with ups and downs. As mentioned before, without downs and darkness we couldn't experience ups and light, either - life would eventually become flat and boring, as we'd grow complacent and blind to our blessings.
With 5 Cups, it's also important to remember that not everything in life can or should be permanent, but it doesn't mean the experience was less worthy or valuable. If you lose a person from your life, it doesn't mean it was worth nothing. You still learned heaps about yourself, the other person, and a range of emotions - and hopefully have some golden memories to cherish forever.
In our society so much weight and admiration is put on a lifelong marriage, that shorter marriages are seen as failures. Why? Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever - we could never grow, evolve and learn, if everything stayed the same. Sometimes we find the person for life, sometimes that person doesn't even exist, and there are a number of people "lined up" to live and experience with.
"Not everything in life should or can be permanent, but that doesn't mean it's somehow less valuable than permanence."
8 Cups
The card of loss, abandonment, walking away from something, tired and disappointment. This card must be among the least wanted in a reading.
The main teaching of 8 Cups is in my opinion: just because you've put time, effort and emotions into something, doesn't mean it should or could succeed or become permanent. There can be times when it's better to understand that something you used to value does not have the same value or meaning anymore, and that's ok.
I'm sure everyone knows or has heard about a couple who stays together for the kids, even when there's nothing else to keep them together. It can be a good decision, depending on the personalities, but it can also be a very unwise one, for the growth of everyone involved - the parents and the children. This is very much an 8 Cups situation: something you have built is not worth keeping as it is, after all. Time to move on, to go fill those cups with fresh, different emotions.
The card of leaving and abandonment also has a different side. When we leave, we also start going towards something else. Something new, different and hopefully better, or at least better suited to the person we have evolved to be during the time that was spent by gathering those 8 Cups. So it's not only about walking away, it's about walking towards a new life, even if the new life is not clear or visualised yet.
I've got this card a lot for the past few months and I thought for a long time that it must be prompting me to leave my job, as that has been the only element in my life I'm not fully satisfied with. However, due to the current economic situation where I live, combined with other reasons I don't think now is the best time to jump on something new, I haven't acted on it. During one reading, the meaning finally clicked and it wasn't about leaving, it was about walking towards something new: new people. Cups can depict hearts, i.e. people.
I've felt a bit disconnected with my current social circles due to differing interests and values. I love my family and friends, but I'd be happy to expand my company to those who are more into mindfulness, intuition, creativity and exploring deep questions in life, such as the meaning of this all. Once I figured this and started acting on it, 8 Cups has completely disappeared from my readings, as often happens. Once the message is delivered, the card has no purpose any longer - for now!
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| My favourite 5 Cups card - Victorian Fairy Tarot. Things that were built did not last, but they form a cherished memory of a great time. And now, something else can be built! |
Sunday, 27 March 2016
New series - how to be happier?
It's probably clear based on the theme of my blog - life change, growing as a person, seeking for a better quality of life - that this topic interests me hugely. I'm in a lucky position professionally in the sense that I'm regularly sent to very interesting courses about life quality, mindfulness and work life balance.
I decided to start a series of blog articles covering the most interesting snippets of courses and trainings I've attended lately to help you, too.
Teaching #1 What you pay attention to, grows in your mind and life
This is a no-brainer, yet it's really easy to forget or not to live by it in everyday life.
This advice can be understood from a manifestation-point of view, or just as common sense. Manifesters believe that what you apply your mind to, it will be drawn or attracted to be a part of the energy flow of your life. "Common sense people" believe that it's up to you to decide, what occupies your mind. Positive thoughts bring positive feelings and experiences, and negative thoughts bring negativities.
Now, how to apply this to a work life balance situation?
A deceivingly simple tip I recently received is: always try to spend as much time on things you enjoy and as little time as possible on things you dislike.
At work, try to discard most of the tasks you hate, or organise them in a manner it only takes 10-20% of your day to complete them. Fill in the rest with tasks you like. If this requires restructuring your role, do it as far as you can. Ask for new tasks from your supervisor, ask for extra training, take on extra responsibilities in an area that matters to you, offer to swap tasks with a colleague, do everything you can to make this happen.
It's always easier to get more work than less in a workplace -
because other people are usually happy to give their tasks away. For example, if you enjoy meeting new people, could you swap some tasks and include more interaction in your day? Be more in the frontline instead of the back office? Or vice versa?
When I first heard this tip, I thought "that's absolute bollocks! It can't work! I can't just drop doing the boring chores, everybody knows that!".
However, after tinkering with this for a few weeks and months, I realised that it indeed was possible to minimise the boringness and add some enthusiasm within my role. I chopped the most boring tasks into pieces and do them max. 2 hours per day. Obviously, it takes more days to finish them now, but on the other hand, I stay more focused and make fewer mistakes when I'm not bored to death with something mind-blowingly dull (my role revolves around accounting- and auditing-type chores).
I've added new tasks by volunteering to be an occupational health and safety representative, which allows me to communicate with people more and pay attention to the work environment and its quality, which relates to the overall life quality theme - my passion. I've also proven that I'm good at research so I've recently got more research-based tasks. Tadah, it was possible to make adjustments with a bit of creativity and willingness to do more, not less.
This has fed into the rest of my life, too. Because I'm not constantly bitter and frustrated due to the dissatisfaction with my work, I'm also more productive, energetic and inspired in life in general. I found energy to start this blog. I've started other extracurricular activities I enjoy. I'm expanding my social circles. These in turn feed positive energy into my work life, because I don't feel so stuck and miserable anymore. What I have focused on, has indeed expanded.
If you can't change your tasks (say, you work as a cleaner or a mailman), are there any aspects in your role you enjoy, even a tiny bit? Can you expand those deliberately? Say, you get to listen to the radio when you work. Could you scan new radio stations every day to discover something new? Or start practising dancing when no one's looking? It could be anything and everything, even silly - the main point is that you enjoy it and it makes you feel lighter and more positive about your day.
The same rule applies to housework, too. Use only 10-15% of your free time on tasks you dislike and focus on what you like per day. Don't like cooking? Find ways to make it faster, easier and more fun. Cook together with your family. Eat takeaway. Eat breakfast for dinner just to mix things up. Cook massive portions of two or three dishes once per week, freeze meal-size portions and alternate between dishes for the rest of the week. Use frozen or semi-ready "just add water"-style meals and ready-mixed salads. Someone criticises you for not being a mature adult or a good parent because you eat readymade lasagne? Laugh it off. You're happier and that's what matters.
How to apply this to relationships? I have a topical example of an extended family situation. A friend of mine has a sister-in-law who's very insecure about her parenting style, apparently due to the constant criticism from the mother-in-law.
My friend is not interested in being involved in any sort of a competition or blame game, but she is being dragged into the cat fight. The latest backlash came, when she made an innocent comment online that happened to include her sister-in-law. The Sis attacked her immediately due to a misunderstanding caused by the insecurity and sensitivity to see everything as criticism.
Instead of retaliating, my friend decided to just step back and let go. She focused on staying calm, detached and happy - not my circus, not my monkeys - whereas the Sis is only focusing on screening the environment for criticism and judgement, so that is what she sees, constantly, everywhere. Which person you'd rather be? I know my answer :)
As a crucial last step, try applying this ingredient into the "what you focus on, will expand"- philosophy...
And here's a tarot spread to help you on the way.
1. What should I focus more in my everyday life?
2. What should I focus less in my everyday life?
3. What could I focus more in the grand scheme of things?
4. What should I focus less in the grand scheme of things?
5. What new skill would be beneficial for me?
6. What I'm still holding on that doesn't serve me at all?
I decided to start a series of blog articles covering the most interesting snippets of courses and trainings I've attended lately to help you, too.
Teaching #1 What you pay attention to, grows in your mind and life
This is a no-brainer, yet it's really easy to forget or not to live by it in everyday life.
This advice can be understood from a manifestation-point of view, or just as common sense. Manifesters believe that what you apply your mind to, it will be drawn or attracted to be a part of the energy flow of your life. "Common sense people" believe that it's up to you to decide, what occupies your mind. Positive thoughts bring positive feelings and experiences, and negative thoughts bring negativities.
Now, how to apply this to a work life balance situation?
A deceivingly simple tip I recently received is: always try to spend as much time on things you enjoy and as little time as possible on things you dislike.
At work, try to discard most of the tasks you hate, or organise them in a manner it only takes 10-20% of your day to complete them. Fill in the rest with tasks you like. If this requires restructuring your role, do it as far as you can. Ask for new tasks from your supervisor, ask for extra training, take on extra responsibilities in an area that matters to you, offer to swap tasks with a colleague, do everything you can to make this happen.
It's always easier to get more work than less in a workplace -
because other people are usually happy to give their tasks away. For example, if you enjoy meeting new people, could you swap some tasks and include more interaction in your day? Be more in the frontline instead of the back office? Or vice versa?
When I first heard this tip, I thought "that's absolute bollocks! It can't work! I can't just drop doing the boring chores, everybody knows that!".
However, after tinkering with this for a few weeks and months, I realised that it indeed was possible to minimise the boringness and add some enthusiasm within my role. I chopped the most boring tasks into pieces and do them max. 2 hours per day. Obviously, it takes more days to finish them now, but on the other hand, I stay more focused and make fewer mistakes when I'm not bored to death with something mind-blowingly dull (my role revolves around accounting- and auditing-type chores).
I've added new tasks by volunteering to be an occupational health and safety representative, which allows me to communicate with people more and pay attention to the work environment and its quality, which relates to the overall life quality theme - my passion. I've also proven that I'm good at research so I've recently got more research-based tasks. Tadah, it was possible to make adjustments with a bit of creativity and willingness to do more, not less.
This has fed into the rest of my life, too. Because I'm not constantly bitter and frustrated due to the dissatisfaction with my work, I'm also more productive, energetic and inspired in life in general. I found energy to start this blog. I've started other extracurricular activities I enjoy. I'm expanding my social circles. These in turn feed positive energy into my work life, because I don't feel so stuck and miserable anymore. What I have focused on, has indeed expanded.
If you can't change your tasks (say, you work as a cleaner or a mailman), are there any aspects in your role you enjoy, even a tiny bit? Can you expand those deliberately? Say, you get to listen to the radio when you work. Could you scan new radio stations every day to discover something new? Or start practising dancing when no one's looking? It could be anything and everything, even silly - the main point is that you enjoy it and it makes you feel lighter and more positive about your day.
The same rule applies to housework, too. Use only 10-15% of your free time on tasks you dislike and focus on what you like per day. Don't like cooking? Find ways to make it faster, easier and more fun. Cook together with your family. Eat takeaway. Eat breakfast for dinner just to mix things up. Cook massive portions of two or three dishes once per week, freeze meal-size portions and alternate between dishes for the rest of the week. Use frozen or semi-ready "just add water"-style meals and ready-mixed salads. Someone criticises you for not being a mature adult or a good parent because you eat readymade lasagne? Laugh it off. You're happier and that's what matters.
How to apply this to relationships? I have a topical example of an extended family situation. A friend of mine has a sister-in-law who's very insecure about her parenting style, apparently due to the constant criticism from the mother-in-law.
My friend is not interested in being involved in any sort of a competition or blame game, but she is being dragged into the cat fight. The latest backlash came, when she made an innocent comment online that happened to include her sister-in-law. The Sis attacked her immediately due to a misunderstanding caused by the insecurity and sensitivity to see everything as criticism.
Instead of retaliating, my friend decided to just step back and let go. She focused on staying calm, detached and happy - not my circus, not my monkeys - whereas the Sis is only focusing on screening the environment for criticism and judgement, so that is what she sees, constantly, everywhere. Which person you'd rather be? I know my answer :)
As a crucial last step, try applying this ingredient into the "what you focus on, will expand"- philosophy...
Do something you love every day
Try something new every week
Learn something new every month
Challenge yourself - do something that scares the **** out of you every year
And here's a tarot spread to help you on the way.
1. What should I focus more in my everyday life?
2. What should I focus less in my everyday life?
3. What could I focus more in the grand scheme of things?
4. What should I focus less in the grand scheme of things?
5. What new skill would be beneficial for me?
6. What I'm still holding on that doesn't serve me at all?
 |
| Happiness is a cup of good, strong coffee and a slice of delicious cake. That's why I go to my favourite café once per week to unwind and treat myself! |
Saturday, 26 March 2016
Opening of the Key - inspired self-analysis
I got a great tip from another reader to try a large spread called "the opening of the key". It was developed by the Golden Dawn, an esoteric organisation founded in 1888 and which still today is often called one of the cornerstones of the modern Western Mysticism. The original Golden Dawn branched into different fractions due to internal conflicts, but sprouts of this organisation still exist today.
The full spread would take a number of structured steps and understanding Kabbalah and astrology, so I only stuck with the first stage and diverted from there with my own rules. The original spread also uses a significator (a card that is chosen to represent the seeker; the person who is receiving the reading).
I'm not personally hugely interested in the origins or specifics of esoteric tarot teachings and I'm only superficially familiar with tarot's history. My own interests lie in the everyday functionality of any tarot deck. To me tarot cards are art that can be interpreted through knowing the meanings of the symbols and via one's own intuition and deduction skills (what's happening in the picture). My own reading style is a combination of structure and "organic" intuition, i.e. I do rely on the traditional meanings of the cards but I rather "intuit" the message rather than use any rigid reading system.
However, this simplified spread, which is similar to the first stage of the Opening of the Key, proved to be a mind-opening experience.
Many little nagging issues I haven't been able to accurately pinpoint in my own emotional make-up and psyche were solved in this reading. It uses the whole deck of 78 cards and even this simplified version is fairly complicated for a beginner due to the huge number of cards and lack of positions. If you're already reasonably comfortable with understanding your cards, I strongly recommend trying this.
Alternatively, you can try a "beginner's" version, which I explain later, or hopefully find a skilled tarot reader who could do this spread for you. It really can be an ultimate A-HA! trigger.
This is how I did it - I've bent and abandoned almost all of the original rules, but this is what made sense to me:
The Opening of the Key - inspired spread
or, what is really going on in your life
Shuffle the deck and divide it into four equal-sized piles: divide the deck into two halves at first, and then again, into two halves to end up with four piles next to each other. There are rules how to position these piles but I split the first pile into two, put the upper half on the left and the lower half on the right, and then did the same with both halves.
Now you have four piles to show your air, fire, cups and earth aspects - with plain English, meaning your mental life, your current motivation or energy, your emotional life and your material life, encompassing everything tangible such as your body, finances, work/career and possessions.
Turn over the first pile and fan it out to see what's in there. I organised the cards into groups of four at first, in the order they appeared from left to right. Now look at the whole layout and pick the overall tone. What themes came up? What suits you have the most - Swords (air), Wands (fire), Cups (water) or Pentacles (earth)? How about Major Arcana cards? What life lessons or major themes do the Major Arcana cards show within your mental sphere?
Then, read the cards in groups and finally, as a whole. I understood that my deepest happiness (Ace of Cups and the Sun) come from the possibility to be mentally independent, free, creative and resourceful (Ace of Swords, 9 Pentacles, the Empress) and lead the way; i.e. be influential, clear and trusted in intelligence and knowledge (King of Swords).
The Major Arcana and the rest of the cards told me that I'm currently learning a lesson that I can always study and learn more, and think and find my own truth, no matter what's the external situation and I should stop worrying (Hermit, Hanged Man, 6 Swords etc.). The lesson is that I should never be staring at and blaming for the externalities, when the power to be happy is inside me - my happiness comes from the thirst for knowledge, wisdom and communication.
Lastly, count the cards of each suit to see how they are weighing. I got six Major Arcana, six Swords cards, three Pentacles cards and two cards in Cups and Wands each. This tells that my mental life is very much governed by abstract thoughts, rationalism, analysing, thinking in general, instead of my thoughts being guided by emotions, material concerns etc.
Repeat this procedure of interpretation with each pile.
For Wands (drive, motivation, inner fire, vitality) I got cards telling that I'm very much motivated by material and pragmatic things right now (King and Queen of Pentacles, 3 Pentacles etc.). I want to make a tangible difference in the world together with others, not just think and talk. For example, starting this tarot blog and business is a great motivator for me, because the more blog visitors or tarot clients I get, the more it indicates my vision, ideas and inspiration are being sought after and valued.
This pile of cards also brought up something I've thought a lot lately. Like the majority of people in today's capitalistic world, I used to equate financial success with success in general, whereas I've now realised making money does not necessarily equate mental, emotional or social success.
You can feel empty and useless even if you make a lot of money, and reversely, if you don't earn a penny with what you love, it can still give you the strongest sense of purpose, direction and energy.
Money can, of course, be one indicator of success, but it most definitely is not the only one and possibly not even the best one. Think wars, drugs, exploiting the nature... they are all money-making machines, but what good they bring to the world? Making money out passion is the ultimate dream, but believing that only money is a measure of success and worth, is simply wrong: that's a pathway to misery, emptiness and purposelessness.
For the Cups and Pentacles piles, I found that I'm in a very balanced and happy position in life emotionally and materially - which was clear without the cards, too, but it's always nice to get affirmation!
Interestingly and encouragingly, the largest number of life lesson cards (Major Arcana) came up in the Pentacles pile and they showed an ending and a beginning of a cycle in life (the World, the Fool), as well as a lot of passion, creativity, communication, studying and learning coming up (Queen of Wands, 8 Wands, Page of Pentacles, Page of Swords) and an overall flair of a big, exciting change being on its way. I'm curious to see what will show up in my life!
If you would like to try this method but feel it's too large, try pulling only one (or up to three) cards for each sector of life: mind, inner drive/motivation, emotions and body/money/career. These questions can help:
What is going on within myself?
Air - what is currently in my mind a lot?
Wands - what motivates me right now, how does my overall energy level look?
Cups - what am I currently feeling, what is topical emotionally for me right now?
Pentacles - how is my physical wellbeing; what is the most topical thing in my money/career situation?
The full spread would take a number of structured steps and understanding Kabbalah and astrology, so I only stuck with the first stage and diverted from there with my own rules. The original spread also uses a significator (a card that is chosen to represent the seeker; the person who is receiving the reading).
I'm not personally hugely interested in the origins or specifics of esoteric tarot teachings and I'm only superficially familiar with tarot's history. My own interests lie in the everyday functionality of any tarot deck. To me tarot cards are art that can be interpreted through knowing the meanings of the symbols and via one's own intuition and deduction skills (what's happening in the picture). My own reading style is a combination of structure and "organic" intuition, i.e. I do rely on the traditional meanings of the cards but I rather "intuit" the message rather than use any rigid reading system.
However, this simplified spread, which is similar to the first stage of the Opening of the Key, proved to be a mind-opening experience.
Many little nagging issues I haven't been able to accurately pinpoint in my own emotional make-up and psyche were solved in this reading. It uses the whole deck of 78 cards and even this simplified version is fairly complicated for a beginner due to the huge number of cards and lack of positions. If you're already reasonably comfortable with understanding your cards, I strongly recommend trying this.
Alternatively, you can try a "beginner's" version, which I explain later, or hopefully find a skilled tarot reader who could do this spread for you. It really can be an ultimate A-HA! trigger.
This is how I did it - I've bent and abandoned almost all of the original rules, but this is what made sense to me:
The Opening of the Key - inspired spread
or, what is really going on in your life
Shuffle the deck and divide it into four equal-sized piles: divide the deck into two halves at first, and then again, into two halves to end up with four piles next to each other. There are rules how to position these piles but I split the first pile into two, put the upper half on the left and the lower half on the right, and then did the same with both halves.
Now you have four piles to show your air, fire, cups and earth aspects - with plain English, meaning your mental life, your current motivation or energy, your emotional life and your material life, encompassing everything tangible such as your body, finances, work/career and possessions.
Turn over the first pile and fan it out to see what's in there. I organised the cards into groups of four at first, in the order they appeared from left to right. Now look at the whole layout and pick the overall tone. What themes came up? What suits you have the most - Swords (air), Wands (fire), Cups (water) or Pentacles (earth)? How about Major Arcana cards? What life lessons or major themes do the Major Arcana cards show within your mental sphere?
Then, read the cards in groups and finally, as a whole. I understood that my deepest happiness (Ace of Cups and the Sun) come from the possibility to be mentally independent, free, creative and resourceful (Ace of Swords, 9 Pentacles, the Empress) and lead the way; i.e. be influential, clear and trusted in intelligence and knowledge (King of Swords).
The Major Arcana and the rest of the cards told me that I'm currently learning a lesson that I can always study and learn more, and think and find my own truth, no matter what's the external situation and I should stop worrying (Hermit, Hanged Man, 6 Swords etc.). The lesson is that I should never be staring at and blaming for the externalities, when the power to be happy is inside me - my happiness comes from the thirst for knowledge, wisdom and communication.
Lastly, count the cards of each suit to see how they are weighing. I got six Major Arcana, six Swords cards, three Pentacles cards and two cards in Cups and Wands each. This tells that my mental life is very much governed by abstract thoughts, rationalism, analysing, thinking in general, instead of my thoughts being guided by emotions, material concerns etc.
Repeat this procedure of interpretation with each pile.
For Wands (drive, motivation, inner fire, vitality) I got cards telling that I'm very much motivated by material and pragmatic things right now (King and Queen of Pentacles, 3 Pentacles etc.). I want to make a tangible difference in the world together with others, not just think and talk. For example, starting this tarot blog and business is a great motivator for me, because the more blog visitors or tarot clients I get, the more it indicates my vision, ideas and inspiration are being sought after and valued.
This pile of cards also brought up something I've thought a lot lately. Like the majority of people in today's capitalistic world, I used to equate financial success with success in general, whereas I've now realised making money does not necessarily equate mental, emotional or social success.
You can feel empty and useless even if you make a lot of money, and reversely, if you don't earn a penny with what you love, it can still give you the strongest sense of purpose, direction and energy.
For the Cups and Pentacles piles, I found that I'm in a very balanced and happy position in life emotionally and materially - which was clear without the cards, too, but it's always nice to get affirmation!
Interestingly and encouragingly, the largest number of life lesson cards (Major Arcana) came up in the Pentacles pile and they showed an ending and a beginning of a cycle in life (the World, the Fool), as well as a lot of passion, creativity, communication, studying and learning coming up (Queen of Wands, 8 Wands, Page of Pentacles, Page of Swords) and an overall flair of a big, exciting change being on its way. I'm curious to see what will show up in my life!
If you would like to try this method but feel it's too large, try pulling only one (or up to three) cards for each sector of life: mind, inner drive/motivation, emotions and body/money/career. These questions can help:
What is going on within myself?
Air - what is currently in my mind a lot?
Wands - what motivates me right now, how does my overall energy level look?
Cups - what am I currently feeling, what is topical emotionally for me right now?
Pentacles - how is my physical wellbeing; what is the most topical thing in my money/career situation?
 |
| Interpretation in process, the last pile (Pentacles). I divided the cards into groups of four in the order they were spread out from the fan, but later on I grouped them based on suits and Major Arcana to see the "weight" each suit has in this area of life. My motivation is largely driven by material, tangible matters and vice versa; my material/financial matters are largely driven by what motivates me - I want to work on what inspires me. Hardly a surprise there! |
 |
| A snapshot from my "tarot parlour". A lovely Tarot Tutoring client gave me this beautiful moon phase calendar as a present - I love it! |
Saturday, 19 March 2016
How to change someone else's behaviour?
The quality of life very much depends on ourselves: things can't get better if we don't change them or change ourselves. However, what if your life is less than ideal because of someone else?
We've all heard that the only person I can change is myself. But, what if I'm pretty dang dazzling and the other person/people need to change for the issue to be solved?
Jokes aside, you don't need to be perfect but you might still be a "better" person than your partner, colleague, boss, parent, child, mother-in-law or whoever is causing you grief. And by better I mean more mature, more understanding, and more willing to work on the issue. There's only so much one person can do to change and work on an issue, but if the other party is not doing their bit, the matter won't get solved. So, what to do?
First, a story. I used to have a habit to bite my nails. Out of boredom, frustration, or just while thinking. I was completely unaware how disgusting this habit might be for onlookers.
Exhibit A. I was in a car with a relative and started biting my nails. He reached forward, grabbed a package of chewing gum and offered one to me. I took it and forgot my nails. We drove on, happily chatting, and I was only vaguely aware that the gum was offered to change my behaviour - more importantly, I didn't mind.
Exhibit B. I was on a plane, sitting next to a complete stranger. This person was a much older man, perhaps in his late 50s or early 60s. We were having polite small talk and out of habit, I started biting my nails. This man slapped my hand (softly, of course) and told me sternly: don't do that. I stopped, taken aback. Who are you to tell me what to do? You're not my father, you're a random stranger and you think it's ok to touch me (even if it was partly in jest) and reprimand me like a school kid?
Question: which person managed my behaviour better? I still remember both of these situations, years after, and I think about person A warmly because he's a genuinely nice guy - and I actually stopped biting my nails eventually, once I realised it's a habit worth dropping.
I also remember person B, but only because I'm still infuriated by him. Who the heck he thought he was? Yes, he was older, he probably was in a higher position at work - he was used to having authority, had his own kids and grandkids, but 1) I immediately thought he must be aggressive because he "slapped" a stranger and 2) I secretly thought I'll do what I please, you can't stop me, no matter what's your "ranking" in life.
The lessons I learned were: it's always better to instill an idea than push it with force.
Bossing around or giving orders is bound to trigger resistance, annoyance and rebellion. "Well, watch me do as I please!" is an attitude of toddlers, teenagers and grown adults alike, when ordered to do something they don't like or stop doing something they like or are accustomed of doing. Secondly, it's always possible to give feedback in a respectful, understanding and action-oriented manner: there's no need to be rude.
Lastly, the old truth indeed is true - we'll forget many things in life but not how people make us feel. If someone treats us nicely, we'll remember that warmly. If someone treats us badly, hmm...
I know there are bigger problems in life than nail-biting and I've personally encountered the following: how to change someone who's suicidal, depressed, alcoholic, into drugs and gambling, a world-class procrastinator/the king of lazy; or a selfishly manipulative narcissist (these were not the same person, but a number of people). And... Sometimes you simply can't.
If the other person is beyond cooperation and help, the only reasonable action might be to withdraw, cut your losses and cut contact with the person - or, if possible, try to get professional help. Treating addictions or mental disorders shouldn't be done with tarot alone, you'd need health professionals or a support group involved. If not for the other person (if he or she refuses it), but at least for yourself.
However, where tarot can help is to give you advice on how to react and behave when dealing with a problem person. Tarot can calm you down with insights like: it's not about you, it's about him/her, it's their issue and their life lesson, you can do X, Y, Z to make this dealing easier, just stay calm, collected and in charge of your own actions and feelings. Don't let anyone push your buttons.
If you've heard about, or even better, read the classic book called How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie 1936), you'll know that expectations create actions and behaviour.
The thumb rule of this "Golden Book" - as it's called - is: what you expect from others, will influence how you treat them and this in turn influences how they respond and treat you. If you treat others with respect, kind interest and benevolent trust, and in particular, set positive expectations, 99% of people respond accordingly because they want to prove you're right about them.
Similarly, low expectations or blaming, nagging and namecalling cause people to under-perform - "well, s/he already thinks I'm a fat, stupid, lazy loser so that's who I am then"-attitude.
I think one of the major culprits in any relationship is sinking into a blame-pit where both parties only see the negatives in each other and keep bringing them up either vocally or in their mind.
This often leads to a "counting points" situation where each party remembers with absolute clarity all the favours and good deeds they've done for the other, but only keep track on all the negative reactions they've received from the other. This type of biased record-keeping is bound to make the relationship feel imbalanced and eventually explode under what the parties think is gross mistreatment.
Another example. I used to have a prickly relationship with one of the managers at work, because I thought she's incompetent and I (subconsciously) kept count on every mistake she made: I also counted lack of action as a mistake (in particular when she didn't communicate something she should have to the team). I eventually had a pile of "evidence" against her and felt pretty acrimonious when having to deal with her.
One day, I finally realised she must be struggling under her workload - maybe she simply doesn't realise what she could do better. So, I started giving her compliments. When she did communicate something well, I politely thanked her for keeping everyone in the loop. This one email was a game changer.
She replied she never gets acknowledgement and felt great for getting positive feedback for change! And, miraculously, she's started communicating more. Because she figured it will be positively noticed. I've continued using this method with her and other people at work with success. It does seem to work. Because people indeed want to show they are worth the compliments.
Now, is this manipulation? I don't think so. It's simply acknowledging the positives and being polite and respectful - being a decent human being and receiving the same back.
I live by this rule at home as well and I always thank and compliment my husband for doing the dishes, vacuuming, etc. It might sound like "why should he be complimented for what are his chores?". Well, why not? And now he thanks and compliments me, too, and does his part of the chores on his own without me asking, reminding or nagging. Win-win!
Ok, it's all nice and warm fuzzies and all, but how does tarot relate to this? Try this spread I created:
How to encourage change in another person
2 How to bring the issue up?
3 The best realistic outcome if I raise the issue?
4 How will the other person behave?
5 How should I make the other feel? (to see what matters to them)
6 The outcome
An example reading: the issue - how to get someone play less video games
1 Page of Swords - well, the issue is about having mental fun, exploring, playing, feeling excited by a mental challenge, and that clearly is important to this person. So, it needs to be understood and acknowledged - nobody changes their behaviour if they get more out of continuing it than changing or stopping it. Clearly this is an important matter of having fun and stretching one's mental capabilities so now the question should be: is there really a need to change their behaviour?
2 King of Swords - be direct, honest, unemotional, rely on logic: bring up the pros and cons that the playing has on the people around and also the person (lack of exercise etc.). State your point without drama, just lay it out as it is but don't budge from your position, either.
3 Two of Swords - the person will always be of two minds: wants to play, but knows that excess is not beneficial. This seems like an ongoing issue and the person will not be able to decide only one direction (play full-on or not play at all).
4 Seven of Swords - this person will sneak behind everyone's back and most likely play when others are not at home (which is actually fine, so an OK outcome here).
5 Ten of Pentacles - that nothing is threatening the security and stability of their life. The person needs to feel stable, grounded and happy about their life as it is now and having an argument or discussion about gaming will not make this person lose what matters to them (family, home, income etc.).
6 Knight of Swords - the outcome can be a bit of a clash: this Knight is fast, furious and very frank up to the point of being rude. It's best to keep emotions in check when having this discussion (and also after) and stick to the behaviour of the King of Swords: truthful, analytical, structured and solution-oriented.
Hope this is of help!
We've all heard that the only person I can change is myself. But, what if I'm pretty dang dazzling and the other person/people need to change for the issue to be solved?
Jokes aside, you don't need to be perfect but you might still be a "better" person than your partner, colleague, boss, parent, child, mother-in-law or whoever is causing you grief. And by better I mean more mature, more understanding, and more willing to work on the issue. There's only so much one person can do to change and work on an issue, but if the other party is not doing their bit, the matter won't get solved. So, what to do?
First, a story. I used to have a habit to bite my nails. Out of boredom, frustration, or just while thinking. I was completely unaware how disgusting this habit might be for onlookers.
Exhibit A. I was in a car with a relative and started biting my nails. He reached forward, grabbed a package of chewing gum and offered one to me. I took it and forgot my nails. We drove on, happily chatting, and I was only vaguely aware that the gum was offered to change my behaviour - more importantly, I didn't mind.
Exhibit B. I was on a plane, sitting next to a complete stranger. This person was a much older man, perhaps in his late 50s or early 60s. We were having polite small talk and out of habit, I started biting my nails. This man slapped my hand (softly, of course) and told me sternly: don't do that. I stopped, taken aback. Who are you to tell me what to do? You're not my father, you're a random stranger and you think it's ok to touch me (even if it was partly in jest) and reprimand me like a school kid?
Question: which person managed my behaviour better? I still remember both of these situations, years after, and I think about person A warmly because he's a genuinely nice guy - and I actually stopped biting my nails eventually, once I realised it's a habit worth dropping.
I also remember person B, but only because I'm still infuriated by him. Who the heck he thought he was? Yes, he was older, he probably was in a higher position at work - he was used to having authority, had his own kids and grandkids, but 1) I immediately thought he must be aggressive because he "slapped" a stranger and 2) I secretly thought I'll do what I please, you can't stop me, no matter what's your "ranking" in life.
The lessons I learned were: it's always better to instill an idea than push it with force.
Bossing around or giving orders is bound to trigger resistance, annoyance and rebellion. "Well, watch me do as I please!" is an attitude of toddlers, teenagers and grown adults alike, when ordered to do something they don't like or stop doing something they like or are accustomed of doing. Secondly, it's always possible to give feedback in a respectful, understanding and action-oriented manner: there's no need to be rude.
Lastly, the old truth indeed is true - we'll forget many things in life but not how people make us feel. If someone treats us nicely, we'll remember that warmly. If someone treats us badly, hmm...
I know there are bigger problems in life than nail-biting and I've personally encountered the following: how to change someone who's suicidal, depressed, alcoholic, into drugs and gambling, a world-class procrastinator/the king of lazy; or a selfishly manipulative narcissist (these were not the same person, but a number of people). And... Sometimes you simply can't.
If the other person is beyond cooperation and help, the only reasonable action might be to withdraw, cut your losses and cut contact with the person - or, if possible, try to get professional help. Treating addictions or mental disorders shouldn't be done with tarot alone, you'd need health professionals or a support group involved. If not for the other person (if he or she refuses it), but at least for yourself.
However, where tarot can help is to give you advice on how to react and behave when dealing with a problem person. Tarot can calm you down with insights like: it's not about you, it's about him/her, it's their issue and their life lesson, you can do X, Y, Z to make this dealing easier, just stay calm, collected and in charge of your own actions and feelings. Don't let anyone push your buttons.
If you've heard about, or even better, read the classic book called How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie 1936), you'll know that expectations create actions and behaviour.
The thumb rule of this "Golden Book" - as it's called - is: what you expect from others, will influence how you treat them and this in turn influences how they respond and treat you. If you treat others with respect, kind interest and benevolent trust, and in particular, set positive expectations, 99% of people respond accordingly because they want to prove you're right about them.
Similarly, low expectations or blaming, nagging and namecalling cause people to under-perform - "well, s/he already thinks I'm a fat, stupid, lazy loser so that's who I am then"-attitude.
I think one of the major culprits in any relationship is sinking into a blame-pit where both parties only see the negatives in each other and keep bringing them up either vocally or in their mind.
This often leads to a "counting points" situation where each party remembers with absolute clarity all the favours and good deeds they've done for the other, but only keep track on all the negative reactions they've received from the other. This type of biased record-keeping is bound to make the relationship feel imbalanced and eventually explode under what the parties think is gross mistreatment.
Another example. I used to have a prickly relationship with one of the managers at work, because I thought she's incompetent and I (subconsciously) kept count on every mistake she made: I also counted lack of action as a mistake (in particular when she didn't communicate something she should have to the team). I eventually had a pile of "evidence" against her and felt pretty acrimonious when having to deal with her.
One day, I finally realised she must be struggling under her workload - maybe she simply doesn't realise what she could do better. So, I started giving her compliments. When she did communicate something well, I politely thanked her for keeping everyone in the loop. This one email was a game changer.
She replied she never gets acknowledgement and felt great for getting positive feedback for change! And, miraculously, she's started communicating more. Because she figured it will be positively noticed. I've continued using this method with her and other people at work with success. It does seem to work. Because people indeed want to show they are worth the compliments.
Now, is this manipulation? I don't think so. It's simply acknowledging the positives and being polite and respectful - being a decent human being and receiving the same back.
I live by this rule at home as well and I always thank and compliment my husband for doing the dishes, vacuuming, etc. It might sound like "why should he be complimented for what are his chores?". Well, why not? And now he thanks and compliments me, too, and does his part of the chores on his own without me asking, reminding or nagging. Win-win!
Ok, it's all nice and warm fuzzies and all, but how does tarot relate to this? Try this spread I created:
How to encourage change in another person
1 - 2 - 3
4 - 5 - 6
1 The situation2 How to bring the issue up?
3 The best realistic outcome if I raise the issue?
4 How will the other person behave?
5 How should I make the other feel? (to see what matters to them)
6 The outcome
An example reading: the issue - how to get someone play less video games
1 Page of Swords - well, the issue is about having mental fun, exploring, playing, feeling excited by a mental challenge, and that clearly is important to this person. So, it needs to be understood and acknowledged - nobody changes their behaviour if they get more out of continuing it than changing or stopping it. Clearly this is an important matter of having fun and stretching one's mental capabilities so now the question should be: is there really a need to change their behaviour?
2 King of Swords - be direct, honest, unemotional, rely on logic: bring up the pros and cons that the playing has on the people around and also the person (lack of exercise etc.). State your point without drama, just lay it out as it is but don't budge from your position, either.
3 Two of Swords - the person will always be of two minds: wants to play, but knows that excess is not beneficial. This seems like an ongoing issue and the person will not be able to decide only one direction (play full-on or not play at all).
4 Seven of Swords - this person will sneak behind everyone's back and most likely play when others are not at home (which is actually fine, so an OK outcome here).
5 Ten of Pentacles - that nothing is threatening the security and stability of their life. The person needs to feel stable, grounded and happy about their life as it is now and having an argument or discussion about gaming will not make this person lose what matters to them (family, home, income etc.).
6 Knight of Swords - the outcome can be a bit of a clash: this Knight is fast, furious and very frank up to the point of being rude. It's best to keep emotions in check when having this discussion (and also after) and stick to the behaviour of the King of Swords: truthful, analytical, structured and solution-oriented.
Hope this is of help!
 |
| The Queen of Swords (the Guardian of Air, Gaian Tarot) is a person who can manage her (or his) emotions with logic and rational, calm, structured touch. She won't let anyone push her buttons but is wise enough to see beyond others' actions. That's what's needed in changing someone else's behaviour, too. |
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