How to be happier in the everyday?

Apologies for being MIA since October! I've been catching up with studies, work, hobbies and social life and also experiencing a bit of a writer's block with this blog. What to write about? The internet is full of clever, informative and inspirational blogs, including tarot themed, and I've felt there's not much I can add to the discussion. But then, I remembered the words of a song that translate like this:

"everything that can be done has been done, everything that can be seen has been seen,

everything that can be touched has been touched by many hands,

but not with your hands, not with your eyes,

not with your soul before you've tried it all yourself."

CMX

I like the message about: nothing's completely original, but every one of us has something new to offer, because we are all unique with our unique histories and experiences.

What is happiness?

I spend a lot of time thinking about happiness. Not just my own personal happiness, and how to stay happy, but other people's happiness and the concept of happiness in general. My PhD studies focus on the quality of life, everyday happiness and mindfulness. In particular, I'm interested in the connection of beauty and happiness: can beautiful things, surroundings and experiences make people happier? Or can the lack of beauty make people unhappy?

I'm not talking about make-up, clothes etc. (even thought they are one part of the idea, depending on what's everyone's personal preference in beauty), but noticing beauty around in the world, in the everyday.

This is a branch of philosophy called everyday aesthetics. Mindfulness, a trendy concept, draws from everyday aesthetics in my opinion. Mindfulness simply means: be aware of every moment, stay focused on the now instead of drifting to the future or past, worries, regrets or anticipations.

Being mindful can mean enjoying your cup of coffee in peace, tasting every sip. The key concept in everyday aesthetics is similar: pause, enjoy and appreciate what you have around, what your senses capture. The sun dancing on the pot plant's leaves. The aroma and scent of morning coffee. The calming, rhythmic beat of the dishwasher. The vibrant colours of the fruit in a bowl. The shine and softness of your pet's fur.

I started practising tarot and "fortunetelling", because it was an intriguing concept and I wanted to know if it even can work.

I've come to a conclusion after five years of card-reading that yes it does seem to work, and even better it works for self-development and self-reflection. Tarot is an excellent tool to examine your own deep thoughts, emotions, motives, dreams, fears... every aspect of one's personality. I've grown much calmer, mature and dare I say wiser by using tarot regularly. And funnily enough, also more mindful, to stay in the present, noticing the beauty of the everyday.

Here's my spread to realise one's blessings:

1. What is the best thing I have in my life right now?
2. What do I have I take for granted?
3. What should I discard from my life?
4. What in life inspires me?
5. Where or how to find that inspiration?

Below: some things that make me happy - beautiful places and sights from my hoods, equally nice to enjoy with loved ones or alone. 

Are you a grounded person and why it matters?

The purpose of this blog is to discuss topics that people often ask from the cards/card readers, and offer insight on what I have learned about difficult matters such as reconciliation, getting along with someone who's challenging, or making decisions when things don't seem to move on.

I thought this time I could talk about something that I have been struggling with to learn.

Grounding oneself.

This is the topic every mindfulness teacher, meditation guru or yoga enthusiast seems to be preaching, but what does it actually mean?

Feeling grounded can mean feeling in balance, or feeling steady, or feeling in control of one's life. But does it mean you won't budge or be flexible? How to tell the difference between being grounded and balanced, and being fixated, stubborn or defensive? And furthermore: how to achieve this magical grounded state? What's the purpose of it or what are the benefits of it?

I am a curious and interested person in general and read a lot, about any topic under the sun: politics, news, environment, arts and culture, social issues, lifestyle, tarot, mindfulness, life change, and so on. Consequently, I have quite a big of a memory bank of assorted facts and bits of info. I also love interacting in the social media, but unfortunately I have had to admit to myself that I'm not very skilled at it. In terms of staying balanced, grounded and helpful.

I was not making a positive difference.

Probably we all know how chats or debates on Facebook and elsewhere online can turn sour or heated with a couple of insensitive comments and I have not done my bit to keep it civil. I'm not one to call names, because I believe when your resort to yelling at someone (either vocally or by texting) "you're an idiot", you've lost it: the other person won't listen nor respect you and that's the end of any fruitful interaction.

However, I used to pride myself for stingy little witty remarks that shut up the other person. I thought I won the argument. But did I?

Of course not.

What happens in situations like that is that the other leaves the conversation and continues to believe what they believe, perhaps even double convinced that it's their job to expose the big conspiracy about the world government faking the climate change - whereas I'm in the camp green and hoping to change our lifestyle to more sustainable before it's too late.

With a lot of contemplation, both on purpose and subconsciously, and also with a business mentor, I've finally reached a state when I understand where my need to win stemmed.

From fear.

Subconsciously, I've been thinking that if I give room to opinions that drastically differ from mine, I'm allowing my beliefs and convictions to be slowly nibbled away and they will disappear or be "overruled" by someone else.

And this is where groundedness or "being centred" comes at play. 

Being grounded simply means I understand what are my core values and where my emotional or intellectual roots are. A person who is grounded is able to be flexible and curious, like a resilient coastal tree in the wind, but it won't snap, nor it will be ripped away by the storm. After encountering a bit of a gush or a full-on storm, the tree simply wavers back to its spot and continues life.

A grounded person does not have a need to try to overrule others, or aggressively oppose their views. The person knows s/he is who s/he is, no matter what others think. And a grounded person is able to be open to others' views, curiously and maturely, to learn and evolve within and around one's core.

Of course, there are opinions in this world that are nothing but hurtful; racism, sexism, or any sort of discrimination or bullying. But a grounded person is able to stand up against those with calm wisdom and properly thought-through arguments; and also with understanding that these views usually rise from fear or misunderstandings. The calmer and more respectful the discussion, the better the outcome, usually.

Here's a little tarot spread to examine this topic - what  are your core values and how to be more grounded?

1. What is my core value?
2. Why does it matter so much to me?
3. What action can I take to feel more grounded?
4. What aspect in my thinking I should change to respect others' core values?
5. How to live a more balanced, satisfying life in general?

And a sample spread: 

1. THE EMPRESS. This is the card of the feminine principle/archetype: nurture and care, creation, nature, Gaia. For me personally it means appreciating nature and creativity in all its forms, because it is our divine purpose to live on this planet as its guardians and explore and express our creativity. This card absolutely nails my core value, well done tarot!

2. 7 PENTACLES. This card is about putting in effort to make something tangible happen: waiting for results. For me it says: my core value is important, because it's a way to make a difference, to make something new, to cultivate this living environment of ours towards better for all.

3. 10 CUPS. This is the card of happy community: a loving family, peaceful society, happiness and bliss shared with others. I should draw from my community and contribute to its harmony and joy with my own actions.

4. 2 PENTACLES. This card talks about balancing two equally important matters. Clearly I should remember that what is different, is not necessarily of lesser value. Other people's views can be equally important and there's no need for either party to give up on their beliefs - they can coexist.

5. THE CHARIOT. This card is about will-power, determination, driving towards a goal, wanting to achieve things. This is a bit tricky card for myself because it usually pops up to denote situations where someone is applying too much willpower; is steamrolling others. Maybe it's a reminder for me *not to do that*, but also remember to strive towards my goal to actively improve this world.

This world is full of different people with different "home beliefs"and the best course of action is simply to try to get along. Photo (c) Tarot for Change.

Everyday happiness series - what we accept, we get

Here's a new post for my everyday happiness - series, this time discussing how we actively co-create our lives by a mere act of accepting. The previous parts are 1# - How to be happier? and 2# - How to quit worrying and envying?

Teaching #3: what we accept, we get

Or, the standards you pass by, are the standards you accept.

How many times have you thought - why am I being treated this poorly or unfairly? Chances are, in average life, that at least a few. Hopefully not every day. But if you think that way every day, this post is definitely for you.

Let's start with a story about my own life. I migrated to Australia with my then-husband (whom I found in my early 20's) years ago, but due to a number of things - huge personality clashes being the major issue - we ended up separating pretty soon after the relocation. I was in a new country with only a handful of (not-yet-so-close) friends, away from all the familiar safety nets such as my family and old friends. To get back on my feet and to manage financially, I decided to find a flatmate.

This flatmate was found quickly and on the outside, she was the sweetest, sunniest thing you can imagine. However, I soon learned that I had walked into a trap. She had her own reasons to live with a flatmate and those reasons revolved around having a crutch to lean on in everything - housework, socialising, and taking care of all of her practical and emotional issues.

Within three months, our cohabitation had spiralled into coercion by emotional blackmail - not a day went by I didn't hear "everyone else would do this for me", "a true friend would do this", "if you were a decent person, you'd do this", etc. The expected tasks ranged from scrubbing the toilet floor, doing her grocery shopping and putting together her IKEA furniture to inviting her to every single social gathering I went (she didn't seem to have many friends of her own, despite the social media appearances).

At first I was happy to help, because I thought it would be a win-win and give-give situation. Of course I can pick a few things in the supermarket for her, too, while I'm there. She had a health condition, so of course I could do some of the heavier tasks. Surely she would help me in turn, too? Right?

Well, that didn't happen. Somehow it was always me doing, giving, helping, taking care of stuff. And not getting a lot in exchange, not even gratitude.

Then, Christmas came and I bought her a present - just something inexpensive as a polite token - and instead of thank you I got an angry response: "now you made me feel bad, I don't have anything for you, why did you do this!". Later on, I learned she was siphoning a portion out of our rent monies so I actually had paid more than needed. I got so fed up I moved out immediately.

The reasons why I tolerated that in the first place were: 

• I believed her claims that "a good friend / anyone else would do this, why wouldn't you."
• I didn't have many other people to turn to and I was afraid I'd lose the few friends I had if I actively "rebelled"- I may have been seen as a selfish person if I hadn't helped a flatmate.
• I had a very nice apartment in the city centre I'd need to give up if I moved - there was no way I could have afforded something as nice on my own.
• I thought "this probably is how it is for everyone, there's nothing out of the ordinary going on", regardless of the nagging feeling that I'm being taken advantage of.

Now, this is not nearly as severe as being in an abusive relationship or being bullied at work (or school), but it taught me clearly that the phrase "what we accept, we get" is true. If I had stayed, I would have got more of the same and the chances are the emotional blackmail would have spiralled to be worse. I was already losing time, effort and money, I could have been losing my self-esteem and my own life, too - she was actively undermining my dreams and tried to dig a trench between me and my brand new love interest.

I walked out of this experience just with a few surface scratches but it was an eye-opener for why people stay in relationships that are hurtful and harmful. Because it's so easy to slip into thinking that this is what everyone's life is and surely others wouldn't make a fuss out of something this insignificant. Hardly any abuser starts with a full-blown beating - it starts with small but constant undermining and emotional and mental manipulation to make you think you are in the wrong and they are in the right; and you are just being silly and selfish if you don't agree. 

But this is where everyone's inner voice comes at play. Is this right? Am I being treated right? Is this what I want for myself (or for my children/others involved)? Is this the life I dream of?

The same applies to any relationship and situation. Are you disrespected or mistreated at work? Speak up, gather evidence, gather support groups, lodge a formal complaint or leave the place. It won't get better by itself nor by accident. 

Is your partner being unfair or worse, abusive either verbally or physically? Speak up, seek help, leave if needed. I know it's not easy but it won't magically change to better. Someone must take action and if it's not you, who could it be? It won't be the abuser because they are getting exactly what they need by keeping you at bay. 

The same teaching applies to much milder everyday situations, such as someone being rude. Don't take it. Stay firm and don't let someone's lack of manners dig into your personal space. It only tells who they are, not about who you are. I personally stay away from name calling during arguments, because I want to keep the conversation or debate civil. I've never yelled at anyone "you're a fucking idiot", because I would then open the gates to be called the same. 

Here's a tarot spread to examine this topic in more depth: 

1. What am I accepting from others I shouldn't?
2. What action can I take to change it?
3. How am I behaving towards others I shouldn't?
4. What action can I take to change it?
5. How to feel more centred and empowered?
6. How to behave to invite better treatment towards myself?

9 Wands, Witches Tarot. Defend your truth, message and authenticity (8 Wands) with your passion, drive and motivation (Ace of Wands) - don't let anyone walk over you. We all have the same right to exist and become the best versions of ourselves. 

Everyday happiness - series: how to ditch worries and envying?

This post relates to my series "how to find more everyday happiness?" I mentioned when I started this series that I get to attend courses at work regularly on work life balance, mindfulness etc. and this series is inspired by the most pertinent teachings I've encountered. Here's the first part, Teaching #1: what you focus on, will expand.

Teaching #2: worry and envy feel useful, but are not

Of course, in the idea world, no one would need to worry or feel envious, ever. But in this reality of ours, these emotions come and go with the regularity of clockwork. Firstly, what do I mean by useful? Let's examine.

Nobody worries just for fun or entertainment, duh. We worry because we either can't help it (the thoughts and anxieties just circle around, no matter what else we try to think); or, we feel that by being worried we're actually doing something for the problem.

Think about it. How many times you've caught yourself or someone else saying - if I stop worrying, things most definitely won't improve! Then I'm just letting everything go, letting bad things happen, I'm not being prepared. However, being prepared and being worried are not the same thing.

Worrying is mulling over the same or similar thoughts and anxieties in one's head, all the what ifs and worst case scenarios. It might feel like preparing - after all, it's good to know what to do if the proverbial hits the fan - but is worrying really necessary for planning? Isn't it actually hindering planning, by making you feel more scattered and powerless?

Let's face it. All the worrying in the world will not keep you safe. Things can still go sideways. What's the point in worrying, if you've already prepared as well as you can - worrying won't add anything, it just takes away your ability to focus and enjoy. 

I grew up in a family where my parents worried about money constantly. We had it tight and it wasn't always given that there would be money for that month's grocery bill and us kids only got new clothes three times per year: when the school year started, for Christmas and birthdays.

However, a pressing need can trigger two reactions: creativity and anxiety. My mum was always good at making things by hands and if we lacked something, there was a good chance mum would come up with a crafty idea. My poor dad, on the other hand, probably had a blood pressure peaking to the moon and back. But did that help in any way, if there simply was no money?

The most difficult thing about stopping worrying is to allow yourself to do it. It's so ingrained in our behaviour that if we stop feeling anxious, it's as if we don't care. And that simply is not true.

A wise person once said: if you worry about the war every day and it never comes, you have unnecessarily lived through war. And can worrying stop a war? Well...

Same applies to envying. Nobody wants to envy, or admit being envious. And yet, it's one of the most common feelings. It's just so easy to slip into it when we see someone having what we'd like to have - or worse, feel we should have instead of the other.

Envy might feel justified and useful, just like worrying. What right does my neighbour have to have such a nice car? Or my colleague to have such a successful relationship, beautiful kids and new home? What have they ever done to earn those? I've worked as hard if not more, I should be the one who's rewarded!

Life does not come with a fairness guarantee. It's up to us to decide what to do with that fact. Whether to work harder and try to achieve what the target of our envy has, or succumb to bitterness.

Spiritually minded people think that everyone has their own karma and hence we receive what we deserve. In my view, karma is not punitive but educational. We can always learn from every situation in life. I believe that if we practice and learn more selfishness by being bitter and envious, we'll also get more "bad karma" - but bad karma merely means more chances to learn how not to be selfish and bitter.

Envy is closely related to hatred in the sense that both are toxic for ourselves. Being envious or bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other to die.

However, worries and envy can be useful if they are used as the initial trigger to improve the situation. 

The future worries you? Come up with your best plan to tackle the worries and start taking care of them, one step at a time - and then, simply relax. There's nothing left to do so you might as well take it easy and let the universe handle some of the stuff, too!

Someone else is successful? Great, that just means it can be done by you, too! Success and love are not limited resources which diminish from the world if somebody makes it. It's quite the contrary. The more positive people feel, the more helpful and encouraging they are towards others, too. Working together instead of against each other always produces better results.

Here's a spread to examine these questions in your own life (just focus on worry OR envy, if not both are your issues).

How to get rid of worrying or envying?

1. What causes me to worry?

2. Why?

3. What action to take to stop it?

4. What should I focus on in my life instead?

5. What causes me to envy?

6. Why?

7. What reminds me not to envy?

8. What is something I have that others wish they had?

Be the King of Fire (Wands) of your own life: authentic, confident, worry-free and fun-loving leader. There's no point in envying or worrying. Joie de Vivre tarot, Paulina Cassidy.

New series - how to be happier?

It's probably clear based on the theme of my blog - life change, growing as a person, seeking for a better quality of life - that this topic interests me hugely. I'm in a lucky position professionally in the sense that I'm regularly sent to very interesting courses about life quality, mindfulness and work life balance.

I decided to start a series of blog articles covering the most interesting snippets of courses and trainings I've attended lately to help you, too.

Teaching #1 What you pay attention to, grows in your mind and life

This is a no-brainer, yet it's really easy to forget or not to live by it in everyday life.

This advice can be understood from a manifestation-point of view, or just as common sense. Manifesters believe that what you apply your mind to, it will be drawn or attracted to be a part of the energy flow of your life. "Common sense people" believe that it's up to you to decide, what occupies your mind. Positive thoughts bring positive feelings and experiences, and negative thoughts bring negativities.

Now, how to apply this to a work life balance situation?

A deceivingly simple tip I recently received is: always try to spend as much time on things you enjoy and as little time as possible on things you dislike.

At work, try to discard most of the tasks you hate, or organise them in a manner it only takes 10-20% of your day to complete them. Fill in the rest with tasks you like. If this requires restructuring your role, do it as far as you can. Ask for new tasks from your supervisor, ask for extra training, take on extra responsibilities in an area that matters to you, offer to swap tasks with a colleague, do everything you can to make this happen.

It's always easier to get more work than less in a workplace -

because other people are usually happy to give their tasks away. For example, if you enjoy meeting new people, could you swap some tasks and include more interaction in your day? Be more in the frontline instead of the back office? Or vice versa?

When I first heard this tip, I thought "that's absolute bollocks! It can't work! I can't just drop doing the boring chores, everybody knows that!". 

However, after tinkering with this for a few weeks and months, I realised that it indeed was possible to minimise the boringness and add some enthusiasm within my role. I chopped the most boring tasks into pieces and do them max. 2 hours per day. Obviously, it takes more days to finish them now, but on the other hand, I stay more focused and make fewer mistakes when I'm not bored to death with something mind-blowingly dull (my role revolves around accounting- and auditing-type chores).

I've added new tasks by volunteering to be an occupational health and safety representative, which allows me to communicate with people more and pay attention to the work environment and its quality, which relates to the overall life quality theme - my passion. I've also proven that I'm good at research so I've recently got more research-based tasks. Tadah, it was possible to make adjustments with a bit of creativity and willingness to do more, not less.

This has fed into the rest of my life, too. Because I'm not constantly bitter and frustrated due to the dissatisfaction with my work, I'm also more productive, energetic and inspired in life in general. I found energy to start this blog. I've started other extracurricular activities I enjoy. I'm expanding my social circles. These in turn feed positive energy into my work life, because I don't feel so stuck and miserable anymore. What I have focused on, has indeed expanded.

If you can't change your tasks (say, you work as a cleaner or a mailman), are there any aspects in your role you enjoy, even a tiny bit? Can you expand those deliberately? Say, you get to listen to the radio when you work. Could you scan new radio stations every day to discover something new? Or start practising dancing when no one's looking? It could be anything and everything, even silly - the main point is that you enjoy it and it makes you feel lighter and more positive about your day.

The same rule applies to housework, too. Use only 10-15% of your free time on tasks you dislike and focus on what you like per day. Don't like cooking? Find ways to make it faster, easier and more fun. Cook together with your family. Eat takeaway. Eat breakfast for dinner just to mix things up. Cook massive portions of two or three dishes once per week, freeze meal-size portions and alternate between dishes for the rest of the week. Use frozen or semi-ready "just add water"-style meals and ready-mixed salads. Someone criticises you for not being a mature adult or a good parent because you eat readymade lasagne? Laugh it off. You're happier and that's what matters.

How to apply this to relationships? I have a topical example of an extended family situation. A friend of mine has a sister-in-law who's very insecure about her parenting style, apparently due to the constant criticism from the mother-in-law.

My friend is not interested in being involved in any sort of a competition or blame game, but she is being dragged into the cat fight. The latest backlash came, when she made an innocent comment online that happened to include her sister-in-law. The Sis attacked her immediately due to a misunderstanding caused by the insecurity and sensitivity to see everything as criticism.

Instead of retaliating, my friend decided to just step back and let go. She focused on staying calm, detached and happy - not my circus, not my monkeys - whereas the Sis is only focusing on screening the environment for criticism and judgement, so that is what she sees, constantly, everywhere. Which person you'd rather be? I know my answer :)

As a crucial last step, try applying this ingredient into the "what you focus on, will expand"- philosophy...

Do something you love every day

Try something new every week

Learn something new every month

Challenge yourself - do something that scares the **** out of you every year

And here's a tarot spread to help you on the way.

1. What should I focus more in my everyday life?
2. What should I focus less in my everyday life?
3. What could I focus more in the grand scheme of things?
4. What should I focus less in the grand scheme of things?
5. What new skill would be beneficial for me? 
6. What I'm still holding on that doesn't serve me at all?

Happiness is a cup of good, strong coffee and a slice of delicious cake. That's why I go to my favourite café once per week to unwind and treat myself!