How to be happier in the everyday?

Apologies for being MIA since October! I've been catching up with studies, work, hobbies and social life and also experiencing a bit of a writer's block with this blog. What to write about? The internet is full of clever, informative and inspirational blogs, including tarot themed, and I've felt there's not much I can add to the discussion. But then, I remembered the words of a song that translate like this:

"everything that can be done has been done, everything that can be seen has been seen,

everything that can be touched has been touched by many hands,

but not with your hands, not with your eyes,

not with your soul before you've tried it all yourself."

CMX

I like the message about: nothing's completely original, but every one of us has something new to offer, because we are all unique with our unique histories and experiences.

What is happiness?

I spend a lot of time thinking about happiness. Not just my own personal happiness, and how to stay happy, but other people's happiness and the concept of happiness in general. My PhD studies focus on the quality of life, everyday happiness and mindfulness. In particular, I'm interested in the connection of beauty and happiness: can beautiful things, surroundings and experiences make people happier? Or can the lack of beauty make people unhappy?

I'm not talking about make-up, clothes etc. (even thought they are one part of the idea, depending on what's everyone's personal preference in beauty), but noticing beauty around in the world, in the everyday.

This is a branch of philosophy called everyday aesthetics. Mindfulness, a trendy concept, draws from everyday aesthetics in my opinion. Mindfulness simply means: be aware of every moment, stay focused on the now instead of drifting to the future or past, worries, regrets or anticipations.

Being mindful can mean enjoying your cup of coffee in peace, tasting every sip. The key concept in everyday aesthetics is similar: pause, enjoy and appreciate what you have around, what your senses capture. The sun dancing on the pot plant's leaves. The aroma and scent of morning coffee. The calming, rhythmic beat of the dishwasher. The vibrant colours of the fruit in a bowl. The shine and softness of your pet's fur.

I started practising tarot and "fortunetelling", because it was an intriguing concept and I wanted to know if it even can work.

I've come to a conclusion after five years of card-reading that yes it does seem to work, and even better it works for self-development and self-reflection. Tarot is an excellent tool to examine your own deep thoughts, emotions, motives, dreams, fears... every aspect of one's personality. I've grown much calmer, mature and dare I say wiser by using tarot regularly. And funnily enough, also more mindful, to stay in the present, noticing the beauty of the everyday.

Here's my spread to realise one's blessings:

1. What is the best thing I have in my life right now?
2. What do I have I take for granted?
3. What should I discard from my life?
4. What in life inspires me?
5. Where or how to find that inspiration?

Below: some things that make me happy - beautiful places and sights from my hoods, equally nice to enjoy with loved ones or alone. 

How to treat the risk of failure

One of my almost-daily routines is hanging out at Aeclectic Tarot Forum, which is an online discussion board for anyone interested in tarot and wanting to practice their reading skills and intuition in general.

I have shifted from other social media to AT, because in the tarot community, the focus is on self-improvement and helping others, whereas Facebook and other platforms are nowadays flooded with bad news, disrespectful language, trolling and other negative traits this species of ours can exhibit.
The more time I spend on Facebook, the more agitated and annoyed I get, whereas with AT, the more benevolent and refreshed I feel - it's funny what a big difference the language, attitude and ambience of a forum can make.

Because AT is anonymous, people discuss their issues openly. One of the common underlying currents of discussions is "I want to do thing X, but my family/friends/social circles oppose/ridicule/don't approve it". No person is an island and whatever people around us say and think, affects us. positively or negatively. But. How can we ever achieve anything in life, if we put too much emphasis on other people's opinions?

For instance, I want to be a novelist one day. I have supportive and encouraging people around, but also those who don't think I can make it. It is possible I can't. But it's also possible I can. And the only way to find out is to give it a proper try - do my best to become what I want to be, even when it comes with the risk of failure.

People around us often think they know better, see the risks better, are more realistic than us or otherwise just have more authority to tell how to live our lives. But is that really true?

It's actually just a perception. The louder or more convincing these critics are, the more credible they sound. However, being loud or sounding confident don't make anyone right. And nobody else but you can know, whether something is good or right or doable for you.

But here's the trick. You need to believe in yourself to make it work - whether this is a new job, relationship, studies or business. Critics around can take that self-confidence away, thus spiralling you to a failure and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. I told you so! When in fact, if they had not told you so, you wouldn't have failed. Tricky, isn't it?

My motto in life is:

nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

This (perhaps foolishly?) bold and straightforward attitude could be best described by wands tarot cards, i.e. those that depict willpower, inner fire, drive, motivation and wants. However, I think it's best captured by the slow and even dull-looking
7 Pentacles.

The traditional 7 Pentacles of Rider Waite Smith deck shows a farmer assessing his crop. Only one ripe pentacle has dropped, the rest might still fail or succeed. The only thing to do is to keep trying and hope for the best.

Tarot of the Pagan Cats shows a different side of 7 Pentacles - curiosity and play. Any dream, project or plan in life starts with curiosity (could it work? what if it worked?)  and at best, is fuelled by play: fun, exploration, creativity, excitement. Even if the dream fails after all, experiencing those elements on the way make it worth trying.

Every farmer knows that the crop might wither and die. No matter how much you've watered, tended and cared for it, it could still fail. But then again, there could be a huge reward, a bounty, a successful harvest. The only way to know is to try - not just half-heartedly, but giving it the best you've got.

I value tarot as a tool because looking at the cards and pondering them peels off layers in our thinking that are plastered in there by other people.

Looking at the pictures analytically or semi-meditatively should reveal what your real thoughts and feelings about any given matter are, free and pure from others' influence. How could I best make this project work? What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? What could I do to strengthen the strengths and weed off the weaknesses? How to best go about with this dream of mine?

These are all empowering questions that help you forward, instead of dwelling on "I really want to do it and I think I could, but everyone says it's not wise/easy/possible/for me." Well, everyone can say that the sun will be blue tomorrow, but it doesn't make it true, does it?

Here's a spread to explore a plan or dream you're unsure about. Pull 1-3 cards for each question, depending on your preferences and reading skills.

New plan or dream - analysis spread

1. What do I believe this plan/dream will give me if it works?
2. What is the real reason I hesitate achieving it?
3. How can I overcome my hesitation?
4. What skills I have that will most help me with achieving this?
5. What in my life or thinking is hindering me from achieving this?
6. What will my life be like when I have achieved this?
7. How to best start moving towards this goal?
8. How to encourage myself to keep going until I reach my goal?

Everyday happiness - series: how to ditch worries and envying?

This post relates to my series "how to find more everyday happiness?" I mentioned when I started this series that I get to attend courses at work regularly on work life balance, mindfulness etc. and this series is inspired by the most pertinent teachings I've encountered. Here's the first part, Teaching #1: what you focus on, will expand.

Teaching #2: worry and envy feel useful, but are not

Of course, in the idea world, no one would need to worry or feel envious, ever. But in this reality of ours, these emotions come and go with the regularity of clockwork. Firstly, what do I mean by useful? Let's examine.

Nobody worries just for fun or entertainment, duh. We worry because we either can't help it (the thoughts and anxieties just circle around, no matter what else we try to think); or, we feel that by being worried we're actually doing something for the problem.

Think about it. How many times you've caught yourself or someone else saying - if I stop worrying, things most definitely won't improve! Then I'm just letting everything go, letting bad things happen, I'm not being prepared. However, being prepared and being worried are not the same thing.

Worrying is mulling over the same or similar thoughts and anxieties in one's head, all the what ifs and worst case scenarios. It might feel like preparing - after all, it's good to know what to do if the proverbial hits the fan - but is worrying really necessary for planning? Isn't it actually hindering planning, by making you feel more scattered and powerless?

Let's face it. All the worrying in the world will not keep you safe. Things can still go sideways. What's the point in worrying, if you've already prepared as well as you can - worrying won't add anything, it just takes away your ability to focus and enjoy. 

I grew up in a family where my parents worried about money constantly. We had it tight and it wasn't always given that there would be money for that month's grocery bill and us kids only got new clothes three times per year: when the school year started, for Christmas and birthdays.

However, a pressing need can trigger two reactions: creativity and anxiety. My mum was always good at making things by hands and if we lacked something, there was a good chance mum would come up with a crafty idea. My poor dad, on the other hand, probably had a blood pressure peaking to the moon and back. But did that help in any way, if there simply was no money?

The most difficult thing about stopping worrying is to allow yourself to do it. It's so ingrained in our behaviour that if we stop feeling anxious, it's as if we don't care. And that simply is not true.

A wise person once said: if you worry about the war every day and it never comes, you have unnecessarily lived through war. And can worrying stop a war? Well...

Same applies to envying. Nobody wants to envy, or admit being envious. And yet, it's one of the most common feelings. It's just so easy to slip into it when we see someone having what we'd like to have - or worse, feel we should have instead of the other.

Envy might feel justified and useful, just like worrying. What right does my neighbour have to have such a nice car? Or my colleague to have such a successful relationship, beautiful kids and new home? What have they ever done to earn those? I've worked as hard if not more, I should be the one who's rewarded!

Life does not come with a fairness guarantee. It's up to us to decide what to do with that fact. Whether to work harder and try to achieve what the target of our envy has, or succumb to bitterness.

Spiritually minded people think that everyone has their own karma and hence we receive what we deserve. In my view, karma is not punitive but educational. We can always learn from every situation in life. I believe that if we practice and learn more selfishness by being bitter and envious, we'll also get more "bad karma" - but bad karma merely means more chances to learn how not to be selfish and bitter.

Envy is closely related to hatred in the sense that both are toxic for ourselves. Being envious or bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other to die.

However, worries and envy can be useful if they are used as the initial trigger to improve the situation. 

The future worries you? Come up with your best plan to tackle the worries and start taking care of them, one step at a time - and then, simply relax. There's nothing left to do so you might as well take it easy and let the universe handle some of the stuff, too!

Someone else is successful? Great, that just means it can be done by you, too! Success and love are not limited resources which diminish from the world if somebody makes it. It's quite the contrary. The more positive people feel, the more helpful and encouraging they are towards others, too. Working together instead of against each other always produces better results.

Here's a spread to examine these questions in your own life (just focus on worry OR envy, if not both are your issues).

How to get rid of worrying or envying?

1. What causes me to worry?

2. Why?

3. What action to take to stop it?

4. What should I focus on in my life instead?

5. What causes me to envy?

6. Why?

7. What reminds me not to envy?

8. What is something I have that others wish they had?

Be the King of Fire (Wands) of your own life: authentic, confident, worry-free and fun-loving leader. There's no point in envying or worrying. Joie de Vivre tarot, Paulina Cassidy.

Why negative tarot cards are necessary?

As every tarot reader knows, each card has a number of meanings and picking the right meaning for a situation is what is the challenge. If each card only meant one thing, no intuition nor much studying would be needed. Reading tarot would definitely be a whole lot easier, but it wouldn't capture much of the experience called human life.

Life is complex, colourful and fluid and no two people experience it exactly the same way due to their own personality traits, expectations, dreams and fears and the intensity of emotions. For one person, missing a train is a catastrophe, but to another it's a mere inconvenience or even a beginning of a new adventure - how to get from place A to place B now, when the first mode of transport is excluded?

It's safe to say that tarot cards depict themes or concepts, but what's the exact content for each situation, depends on the person receiving the reading.

Tarot enthusiasts also know that a tarot deck contains plenty of cards that make us happy to see them - they are regarded as positive - and a number of cards that are disliked or unwanted, i.e. negative.

However, to be able to observe life and use tarot effectively, this black-and-white dichotomy between positive and negative needs to go. Yes, some situations and emotions feel great, and some feel not so great or downright horrible. But even the negative events and feelings serve a purpose.

Sometimes they are needed for cathartic (liberating) purposes. How refreshing does it feel sometimes to have a good cry, even though nobody wants to hurt so much they have to cry?

We can always learn from the negatives and at the very least, if there were no downsides and disappointments in life, how could we experience positives, either? Everything would eventually become a steady, dull flow of neutrality without much spectrum of colours.

I've been keeping an eye on "negative" tarot cards lately because some of them have been repeating in my readings and I've wanted to understand them from a wider perspective.

Here are some new perspectives on typical "negative" cards:

5 Swords

The card of arguments, discord, underhandedness and dishonesty is hardly anybody's favourite. For me personally this card rarely means fighting, possibly because I hate dragging things out and always try to solve arguments instantly with calm practicality (I don't always succeed in staying calm though...).

I also absolutely despise playing the martyr, because I think everyone is responsible for their own actions and should never blame someone else (look what you made me do, OR I've been doing all this without being asked and you don't even notice - hey, if nobody asked, why did you put so much effort in it without discussing it first?)

For me, 5 Swords most often has the meaning: something is being kept from you OR you don't have all the facts. It can mean that something is being discussed or agreed behind my back, which is not always negative, but possibly inconvenient. For example, at work, an agreement might be made that concerns me, too, but where I'm not being consulted. Or, the person I'm dealing with, is not being 100% honest for their own gain. It might not be lying, but it's withholding information nevertheless.

Today I experienced another meaning of 5 Swords in the realm of "a battle that has no winners", or a lose-lose-situation. I do daily spreads of five cards, first three predicting my day from the morning to night and two remaining cards giving advice on what I can learn and what to pay attention to during the day. For this morning, I got the dreaded 5 Swords and was slightly baffled. What sort of an argument or discord could there be, first thing in the morning?

I woke up to learn that our kitchen was invaded by hundreds of ants.

I immediately started fighting, spraying and wiping them off as fast as I could, but of course the tiny buggers just kept creeping out from every nook, crack and cranny and under our front door. When I went to spray outside too, I learnt that an ant army was marching through the corridors of our apartment building. Cheez!! So, for an hour now, I've been fighting a battle I can't win (they will come back eventually) and the ants keep dying en masse. No party will walk out of this as a winner.

5 Cups

The card of disappointments, loss and not gaining what one wanted. Here's another great example of a not-so-lovely card.

This card pops up when things don't go as planned, something doesn't come to fruition, or something is lost and it's causing emotional suffering. However, with 5 Cups, the essential teaching is: don't focus on what's lost, focus on what you still have left. The card traditionally shows three cups or chalices standing upright and two knocked over, and a person staring at the fallen cups in despair.

I've learned through experience that the essential element of this card is expectations. Buddha thought, among others, that suffering comes from expectations. The more we expect, i.e. take for granted or make assumptions, the more likely it is not everything will come to be. Hence, we are setting ourselves up for a disappointment. 

It has taken me years to understand the difference between planning, anticipation, being ready and expectations. When I first heard that Buddha's advice in my teens, I thought it's the most stupid thing I've ever heard. Possibly because in my native tongue, expectations were (for some incomprehensible reason) translated as "thirst for life". Suffering comes from the thirst for life, and if you cease to yearn to live, you'll be free. Well, that sounded like a pathway to depression to me.

Now I've figured this advice does not prompt anyone to stop planning or stop living. It simply tells: be mindful and ready, but don't get attached to a certain outcome, process or person. Accept the flow of life: it comes with ups and downs. As mentioned before, without downs and darkness we couldn't experience ups and light, either - life would eventually become flat and boring, as we'd grow complacent and blind to our blessings.

With 5 Cups, it's also important to remember that not everything in life can or should be permanent, but it doesn't mean the experience was less worthy or valuable. If you lose a person from your life, it doesn't mean it was worth nothing. You still learned heaps about yourself, the other person, and a range of emotions - and hopefully have some golden memories to cherish forever.

In our society so much weight and admiration is put on a lifelong marriage, that shorter marriages are seen as failures. Why? Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever - we could never grow, evolve and learn, if everything stayed the same. Sometimes we find the person for life, sometimes that person doesn't even exist, and there are a number of people "lined up" to live and experience with.

"Not everything in life should or can be permanent, but that doesn't mean it's somehow less valuable than permanence."

8 Cups

The card of loss, abandonment, walking away from something, tired and disappointment. This card must be among the least wanted in a reading.

The main teaching of 8 Cups is in my opinion: just because you've put time, effort and emotions into something, doesn't mean it should or could succeed or become permanent. There can be times when it's better to understand that something you used to value does not have the same value or meaning anymore, and that's ok. 

I'm sure everyone knows or has heard about a couple who stays together for the kids, even when there's nothing else to keep them together. It can be a good decision, depending on the personalities, but it can also be a very unwise one, for the growth of everyone involved - the parents and the children. This is very much an 8 Cups situation: something you have built is not worth keeping as it is, after all. Time to move on, to go fill those cups with fresh, different emotions.

The card of leaving and abandonment also has a different side. When we leave, we also start going towards something else. Something new, different and hopefully better, or at least better suited to the person we have evolved to be during the time that was spent by gathering those 8 Cups. So it's not only about walking away, it's about walking towards a new life, even if the new life is not clear or visualised yet.

I've got this card a lot for the past few months and I thought for a long time that it must be prompting me to leave my job, as that has been the only element in my life I'm not fully satisfied with. However, due to the current economic situation where I live, combined with other reasons I don't think now is the best time to jump on something new, I haven't acted on it. During one reading, the meaning finally clicked and it wasn't about leaving, it was about walking towards something new: new people. Cups can depict hearts, i.e. people.

I've felt a bit disconnected with my current social circles due to differing interests and values. I love my family and friends, but I'd be happy to expand my company to those who are more into mindfulness, intuition, creativity and exploring deep questions in life, such as the meaning of this all. Once I figured this and started acting on it, 8 Cups has completely disappeared from my readings, as often happens. Once the message is delivered, the card has no purpose any longer - for now!

My favourite 5 Cups card - Victorian Fairy Tarot. Things that were built did not last, but they form a cherished memory of a great time. And now, something else can be built!

New series - how to be happier?

It's probably clear based on the theme of my blog - life change, growing as a person, seeking for a better quality of life - that this topic interests me hugely. I'm in a lucky position professionally in the sense that I'm regularly sent to very interesting courses about life quality, mindfulness and work life balance.

I decided to start a series of blog articles covering the most interesting snippets of courses and trainings I've attended lately to help you, too.

Teaching #1 What you pay attention to, grows in your mind and life

This is a no-brainer, yet it's really easy to forget or not to live by it in everyday life.

This advice can be understood from a manifestation-point of view, or just as common sense. Manifesters believe that what you apply your mind to, it will be drawn or attracted to be a part of the energy flow of your life. "Common sense people" believe that it's up to you to decide, what occupies your mind. Positive thoughts bring positive feelings and experiences, and negative thoughts bring negativities.

Now, how to apply this to a work life balance situation?

A deceivingly simple tip I recently received is: always try to spend as much time on things you enjoy and as little time as possible on things you dislike.

At work, try to discard most of the tasks you hate, or organise them in a manner it only takes 10-20% of your day to complete them. Fill in the rest with tasks you like. If this requires restructuring your role, do it as far as you can. Ask for new tasks from your supervisor, ask for extra training, take on extra responsibilities in an area that matters to you, offer to swap tasks with a colleague, do everything you can to make this happen.

It's always easier to get more work than less in a workplace -

because other people are usually happy to give their tasks away. For example, if you enjoy meeting new people, could you swap some tasks and include more interaction in your day? Be more in the frontline instead of the back office? Or vice versa?

When I first heard this tip, I thought "that's absolute bollocks! It can't work! I can't just drop doing the boring chores, everybody knows that!". 

However, after tinkering with this for a few weeks and months, I realised that it indeed was possible to minimise the boringness and add some enthusiasm within my role. I chopped the most boring tasks into pieces and do them max. 2 hours per day. Obviously, it takes more days to finish them now, but on the other hand, I stay more focused and make fewer mistakes when I'm not bored to death with something mind-blowingly dull (my role revolves around accounting- and auditing-type chores).

I've added new tasks by volunteering to be an occupational health and safety representative, which allows me to communicate with people more and pay attention to the work environment and its quality, which relates to the overall life quality theme - my passion. I've also proven that I'm good at research so I've recently got more research-based tasks. Tadah, it was possible to make adjustments with a bit of creativity and willingness to do more, not less.

This has fed into the rest of my life, too. Because I'm not constantly bitter and frustrated due to the dissatisfaction with my work, I'm also more productive, energetic and inspired in life in general. I found energy to start this blog. I've started other extracurricular activities I enjoy. I'm expanding my social circles. These in turn feed positive energy into my work life, because I don't feel so stuck and miserable anymore. What I have focused on, has indeed expanded.

If you can't change your tasks (say, you work as a cleaner or a mailman), are there any aspects in your role you enjoy, even a tiny bit? Can you expand those deliberately? Say, you get to listen to the radio when you work. Could you scan new radio stations every day to discover something new? Or start practising dancing when no one's looking? It could be anything and everything, even silly - the main point is that you enjoy it and it makes you feel lighter and more positive about your day.

The same rule applies to housework, too. Use only 10-15% of your free time on tasks you dislike and focus on what you like per day. Don't like cooking? Find ways to make it faster, easier and more fun. Cook together with your family. Eat takeaway. Eat breakfast for dinner just to mix things up. Cook massive portions of two or three dishes once per week, freeze meal-size portions and alternate between dishes for the rest of the week. Use frozen or semi-ready "just add water"-style meals and ready-mixed salads. Someone criticises you for not being a mature adult or a good parent because you eat readymade lasagne? Laugh it off. You're happier and that's what matters.

How to apply this to relationships? I have a topical example of an extended family situation. A friend of mine has a sister-in-law who's very insecure about her parenting style, apparently due to the constant criticism from the mother-in-law.

My friend is not interested in being involved in any sort of a competition or blame game, but she is being dragged into the cat fight. The latest backlash came, when she made an innocent comment online that happened to include her sister-in-law. The Sis attacked her immediately due to a misunderstanding caused by the insecurity and sensitivity to see everything as criticism.

Instead of retaliating, my friend decided to just step back and let go. She focused on staying calm, detached and happy - not my circus, not my monkeys - whereas the Sis is only focusing on screening the environment for criticism and judgement, so that is what she sees, constantly, everywhere. Which person you'd rather be? I know my answer :)

As a crucial last step, try applying this ingredient into the "what you focus on, will expand"- philosophy...

Do something you love every day

Try something new every week

Learn something new every month

Challenge yourself - do something that scares the **** out of you every year

And here's a tarot spread to help you on the way.

1. What should I focus more in my everyday life?
2. What should I focus less in my everyday life?
3. What could I focus more in the grand scheme of things?
4. What should I focus less in the grand scheme of things?
5. What new skill would be beneficial for me? 
6. What I'm still holding on that doesn't serve me at all?

Happiness is a cup of good, strong coffee and a slice of delicious cake. That's why I go to my favourite café once per week to unwind and treat myself!