Is tarot simply wishful thinking?

Is tarot only wishful thinking or a self-fulfilling prophecy? Is it all made up?

Well, this depends on how you think of the questions.

Wishful thinking implies that we see what we want to see on the cards. Or, we conveniently forget what we saw when time passes, and start to believe that the unfolding positive events were predicted by the cards: "surely that one happy card showed that I would meet you, the love of my life!".

It is certainly a possibility that this happens from time to time. However, forgetfulness is easily cured by recording the readings: take notes or take a photo, and refer back to it. That is an easy way to keep track whether or not the things that happened came up in a reading or not.

Tarot also has a strange but remarkable tendency to show repeat cards when a deeply meaningful event is about to occur or a deep emotion is felt. Why do they pop up? Scientifically, there is no explanation. For people who believe in meaningful coincidences - synchronities - it makes a lot of sense. Something in our energy or vibrational field must be drawing those specific symbols.

Wishful thinking doesn't explain why tarot appears so consistent. If we stubbornly see something good in any cards and it doesn't actually happen, wishful thinking would soon fade away and lead to losing faith. What would be the point in believing in any messages if more often than not the positive events won't manifest?

Curiously, positive events shown in the cards seem to take place in a surprising accuracy - but so do the negatives. And this poses a question - can seeing negative outcomes be a form of wishful thinking? Why would anyone wish for negative outcomes?

How about self-fulfilling prophecies?

Is it likely that if we see something positive in the cards, say, getting a dream job, we are bound to put in more effort in the application because the positive outcome seems within our grasp? And consequently, through our own effort, actually win the job? Or reversely, if the cards show "nope, you won't get it", will we drop the ball too early and not put enough effort in trying, thus bringing the negative outcome upon us with our own pretty little hands?

This, again, certainly is a possibility and one reason why a good reader always seeks for an action-oriented reading instead of a destiny-based "this will happen, no matter what".

I believe that we can always change something for better in any situation. If nothing else, at least our own viewpoint and attitude. Hence, asking for most beneficial actions to take is not only empowering, it can actually lead to a better outcome instead of fretting about the inevitable future.

Is tarot a self-fulfilling prophecy is at the same time a very valid and very silly question to ask.

Life is fluid, our circumstances are fluid, other people affect our decisions and lives all the time and we influence theirs. Every thought, action and decision will have an impact on our future. Tarot is a mirror for emotions and thoughts so asking if tarot is a self-fulfilling prophecy is the same as asking: is my plan to lose weight a self-fulling positive prediction if I have strongly decided to stick with it - or, reversely, is it negative, if I doubt myself from the beginning?

I'm personally not worried about this self-fulfilling stuff, because I think that whatever helps us to become better people and make better informed, clearer, conscious choices and decisions, is a good thing.

So if tarot cards show a happy ending for an undertaking, and that encourages us to achieve it with more self-confidence, it's nothing but great. And if negative cards encourage us to take precautions, check and tweak our plans, actions and thoughts, again, that's great! That's what tarot is supposed to be used for in my opinion. Is it then self-fulfilling or self-development?

However, I do understand the risk that a negative outcome will manifest due to the lack of action or being paralysed by fear if negative cards pop up and cause this.

If, for example, I believe that my partner will cheat on me and it's inevitable (if I believe  my cards showed it), I'm bound to become more cynical, pessimistic, withdrawing and possibly nagging and hysteric than I would normally be - and that type of a relationship simply is not very fulfilling, loving, supportive or warm to either one of us. If my partner then makes a mistake to cheat, was there any element of self-fulfilling prophecy to blame? Probably. This highlights the necessity to ask action-oriented questions: what can I do to achieve this goal, or what can I do to solve this problem?

Steering back to wishful thinking. Do we retrospectively impose meanings on the cards that turn out to be true: say, a month ago you got 2 Cups, a card of mutual, affectionate feelings: today you meet someone very promising for a romance. The card knew it! Now, how do we verify that the card that appeared month ago really meant this day, and wasn't just a random coincidence out of 78 possible cards in the deck?

That's the thing: I don't think there is a way to prove it. If there was, science would have already proven how tarot works, if it works (as a system current natural sciences can understand).

But then again, human mind is incredibly agile and prone to seek and understand symbols.

If you think of it, we actually are very mental, emotional and symbolic creatures living a life in an "animal" body, i.e. navigating the tug-o-war of mind and body, bombarded by the physical, biological and instinctive feelings and responses.

But we are mainly driven by symbols: language, writing and pictures are symbols. Plenty of our thoughts and dreams are symbols. Many of our actions are symbols (playing any game, for example, is a symbolic act: it's not meant for any life sustaining purposes such as finding food).

Furthermore, humans have always sought for and tried to interpret signs: the weather patterns, the behaviour of animals, synchronities (meaningful, as if "destined to happen"coincidences), signs from the deities...

My point is that we interpret the world based on symbols all the time. We seek to understand what other people think and what they mean by communicating via symbols. Being a human is somewhat impossible without symbols. Tarot as a symbol system adds to that experience of finding meaning; and it offers something for the mind to focus on for guidance. Is it wishful? Is it self-fulfilling? I think it is, but only as much as any other thought or action we do in life anyway.

Life is a ride, let's enjoy it as much as we can! Photo by Anu Saskia.

Find your life's purpose with tarot

I am currently reading Dr. Michael Newton’s book “The Destiny of Souls” (2000) and find it highly interesting. I’ve mentioned before that I’m on the fence about the topics of life after death or a spiritual level existing parallel behind/with the material realm (due to the current lack of scientific back up), but it doesn’t mean I can’t explore this area and it couldn’t make sense to me. 

The concept Dr. Newton discusses is as follows:

Dr. Newton is a hypnotherapist, who started his career as a “normal” counselor. He accidentally bumped in to past life regression in the 1960’s by guiding a client into a life before this current life during a hypnosis session that was supposed to track the root cause of an issue the client was suffering from. The root cause was discovered, but not from the client’s childhood, from a past life.

Because the ability or tendency to “travel back to a previous life/lives” and also "life between lives" seems to be something many (if not all) people can do under hypnosis and the stories relayed are structured, meaningful and consistent (instead of meaningless or imaginative blabbering), Dr. Newton has spent decades in unlocking the mysteries of the soul.

To his clients and himself, we are not mere mortal, bio-electro-chemical flesh computers, but spirits (or unknown intellectual life forms) being born time after time into the material world temporarily, before returning back to the timeless mental dimension or the “spirit world”. 

According to Dr. Newton’s clients, the material world, including Earth, are an “exercise ground” to the mental beings who incarnate to learn lessons, practice mental capabilities, enjoy and suffer existence in the material realm and ingrain experiences and emotions into the spirit/soul to grow and evolve.

In essence, it has a lot to do with “willpower’s or mind’s triumph over matter”, which is the essence of growth for this soul being (i.e. the real us). It’s not so much about limiting oneself, but more about overcoming instinctive responses such as fear, anger, lust, greed or resent to live life to the fullest and push oneself to become something more and better than we were before: it’s all about integrity, intention and follow-through.

Dr. Newton has studied thousands of cases and does so in a diligent manner of someone who maps an uncharted territory with care, open mind and gathering samples (interviews under hypnosis) that seem to all support this theory.

As an interesting parallel, another Newton is famous for his scientific discoveries, but he was also shunned by the scientific circles due to his interest in occult: Isaac Newton (1642-1726) discovered gravity and developed the quantitative research method to gather evidence and observe it to deduce the facts, but his ties with the scientific community were cut due to his interest in alchemy.

According to Dr. Michael Newton, the most common question people ask when booking a regression hypnosis session is to discover their true purpose in life. 

I can’t possibly verify whether Dr. Newton is correct with his model about the real purpose of human life (to teach the soul to grow), but due to my own PhD studies in the area of quality of life I am certain about one thing: we are physical, emotional, mental and social beings, but also aesthetic (seek pleasure from beauty and experience the world through senses and emotions) and spiritual beings, no matter what’s causing this.  

Also, we all seem to have an innate need for purpose. The less purpose we see in our life and its trials and tribulations, the more likely it is we’ll become cynical and eventually depressed. Clearly living without purpose does not gel well with the human mind.

So, what can tarot do to help us find purpose? A lot!

Here’s a spread to discover what your purpose in life is. I personally think we can have a number of different purposes and possibly once one purpose is fulfilled, we can move to another, or run with different purposes simultaneously. But in case you’d like to identify one core theme for your life, this spread can help. This spread is an adaptation from the Where to find joy – spread, discussed in this blog post and created by Paulina Cassidy for Joie de Vivre tarot deck.

My purpose in life – spread.

This reading is done with Fool’s Dog app and it mixes different decks for added visual cues.

1. What is my purpose? ACE OF PENTACLES, Bonefire deck

The beginning of anything material, the seed, the opportunity, good luck. My purpose is to experience the material world in general: the joys and donwsides. But it’s also to find and unlock opportunities, and provide these to others where I can. This is very much how I live my life so I’ve clearly “accidentally” bumped into my purpose! My card shows a big golden pentacle surrounded by vegetation of different seasons, giving the card a bit Wheel of Fortune-like appearance, reminding of life’s ups and downs but also good luck, destiny, taking the opportunity when it comes, as well as enjoying nature in all its glory. The pentacle has a keyhole and a diamond on it, highlighting the “unlock the opportunity” message.

2. Where to find purpose? 9 SWORDS, Joie de Vivre deck 

This card shows a cat climbing up a tree, but it has stopped its progress towards the reward (smiling hearts) at the top of the tree because there are piranha-like creatures flying around and nagging at it. 9 Swords block the way down, so the cat just sits there, paralysed by fear. This card is an excellent reminder of how to deal with other people: don’t let others’ opinions stop you from living your purpose. There’s no point in worrying what others will say, what the society will think, what the neighbour will think: it’s your life, no one else’s! Go after the goal, the smiling hearts, the fulfilled feeling of happiness. For my purpose, this can also mean that I should encourage others to care less about what random people or relatives think and go after what resonates and feels right in life.

3. Where to work to find purpose? (this doesn’t necessarily or only mean your career, but an area in life or a mindset to adopt to find purpose) HANGED MAN, Gaian Tarot. 

This card shows a yogi-like female hanging from a tree, looking relaxed and calm. She has a faint smile on her face and her clothes reflect the blue skies (or you can see through her body to another dimension, possibly). Staying put, learning from being quiet and inactive, and letting the revelation come at its own pace are what are needed. There is inner brewing going on and this period of suspension is for my own good in the long run. Indeed, I’d like a lot of things happen now, such as many of my ideas take off, but I clearly need to wait, ponder and let them mature on their own still. The universe and all its answers are within me, if I know how to look.  

4. What are you allowing to block your purpose? HERMIT, Gaian tarot. 

This card shows a monk-like hooded figure sitting under a tree with a note book and a pen. He’s observing the nature around him: the owl and some spirit animals in the background. I take this to mean that my tendency to spend a lot of time alone, thinking, studying and writing, is hindering my purpose if taken to extreme. I can’t find and unlock opportunities for myself or others by sitting at home in front of a computer. I also can’t experience the material world and the wonders of nature if I’m merely observing, not participating – living in my head, not in my body. Point taken.

5. Purpose mentor - who or what can help me find purpose? 4 PENTACLES, Victorian Fairy deck.

This card shows an elderly fay holding on tight on acorns, when a squirrel is after the same ones. This card is a reminder to not be too attached to material and not too protective and risk-averse in life. Let go of what you have to experience something new. However, it can also mean that it's good to be protective and keep things as they are: there's no need to go after something more materially. Given that I'm already quite unattached to materia, I think this could mean not to worry about money when seeking my purpose, but also that I already have everything I need in the material and physical sense to explore and experience my purpose. 

6. Universe’s gift – what helps you to find or live your purpose? EXPLORER OF FIRE (PAGE OF WANDS), Gaian tarot.

This card shows a tribe member dancing by swinging a burning pot in a rope. It’s all about taking risks just for fun, exploring something new and exciting, finding inspiration from something uncharted. This is very much what I do all the time in a mental level (research on a number of creative topics) but I also like adventurous life, trying new things and experiences. Continuing to live with this attitude clearly is beneficial to me. Thank you tarot! 

How to do timing with tarot - and why is it challenging?

Timing with tarot is one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult particulars to get correct in a reading. A standard tarot deck does not come with cards that tell without doubt how many days, weeks or months (or years) you have to wait to see the predicted event to take place. However, there are different methods existing to figure when exactly is something going to happen.

Why is timing so difficult? 

Firstly, tarot seems to be geared towards personal development and inner workings of a human mind. Tarot is less concerned with the material world and things that actualise in our daily lives; and more focused on what's going on inside our heads and hearts - how we feel about things, what decisions and choices we make, what intentions we set.

Tarot offers frustratingly often answers such as: "the event will happen, once you work on your issues and find a way to be happy". The timing is conditional, subject to our own actions, mindset and behaviour, and hence, a definite timing can't be given because it's all in our own hands! The sooner we fix or implement something, the sooner the queried event can take place, but not before.

One of the most common questions I get is "when will I meet my next partner". And the most common answers are along the lines "when you release the baggage you're still holding from your previous experiences, open yourself to love and embark on a new life stage without hesitation".

This type of an answer is bound to annoy many sitters, because they regard it as evasive and an attempt by the reader to avoid answering - avoid being held accountable. However, that simply is how tarot works and if the cards tell this, it's not always possible nor morally right try and impose a week/month/year timeframe on the cards, if it is not visible on them.

It seems that in the grand scheme of things, "when" is not so much a question about counting days, it's much more about "when step one is complete, step two can take place", i.e. about cause and consequence, and following through plans and intentions. Manifestation, in a way.

Because so many things in life depend on our own actions, lack of action can delay or prevent events. I think this is the main reason why timing is so difficult. The cards can't tell for a fact that you'll get married in April next year if you are not even trying to meet Mr/Ms right by putting yourself out there and being the best version of yourself; or, if you are constantly arguing with your Mr/Ms Right about petty things caused by your own insecurities, thus putting the likelihood of marriage in jeopardy.

Not all answers can contain timing

Some questions can't be answered in terms of "when", because the question assumes the event will happen. What if the fall-out you had with your childhood friend will never be solved due to one or both being too stubborn? The cards can't give you a time then. Nor for "when will I become a doctor", if your grades are not good enough to be accepted to study in the first place. Tarot reflects life like a mirror, it can't show things that are unattainable or unrealistic.

Setting a timeframe with a question

Things are not always hopelessly fluid and there are methods to try and work out the timeframe in calendar terms. The most unambiguous method is to frame the question in a way that also contains a timeframe, such as "what will my love life be like within the next three months?" or "what's my next month like?". This also makes the tracking easy, because after a month or three months you can easily take stock whether the predicted themes took place or not.

Counting the elements on the cards

Possibly the best-known timing methods involve treating the suits as the indicators of days (Wands), weeks (Swords), months (Cups) and years (Pentacles), according to these suits' nature - from fast-consuming fire to slow-moving earth. Minor Arcana cards contain both the element and a number, so 2 Wands could be two days, 2 Swords two weeks and so on.

ATA (American Tarot Association) teaches a slightly more complex but still easy to figure method for 3-4 cards.

First, you need to interpret the cards normally, i.e. what do they mean for the question. The ATA example is "when will a musician overcome the lack of inspiration", so you'd need to relay all the information the cards tell about gaining inspiration, such as listen to your intuition for finding new inspiration. Then for timing, count how many passive or active cards you got: air and fire are active, water and earth passive. With Major Arcana cards, you need to think their nature: is the card active or passive? Waiting or actioning? Thinking or doing? Withdrawing or progressing? Yin or Yang?

• If more than 75% of the cards are active, the timespan is days.
• If between 75% and 50% are active, the timespan is weeks.
• If between 50% and 25% are active, the timespan is months.
• If less than 25% of the cards are active, the timespan is years.

Next, take a look on the numbers. If you have a repeating number, that most likely tells the number of the days/weeks/months/years. Reduce double-digit numbers to one digit (11 is 1+1=2 and so on).

For added clarity, ATA recommends taking into account the astrological correspondences according to the suit element (fire signs that correspond with the Wands suit are Aries, Leo and Sagittarius; meaning 21 March-21 April, 21 July-21 August and 21 November-21 December, and so forth).

Some people associate seasons with the suits, but I don't find it useful. I live in the Southern hemisphere and many of this blog readers and my online clients live in the Northern hemisphere. Whose seasons would I be talking about? My summer or yours? 

Combine events, causes, consequences and "when"

The majority of timing techniques available online seem to rely on variations of the theme outlined above: counting the numbers per suit; or cross-referencing tarot with astrology. However, the method that I've found to be most functional is a hybrid of the "normal" reading, i.e. what will happen, and timing. This method was created by user called Amanda at Aeclectic Tarot Forum and this is how I understand it:

Pull 5 cards upright (don't use reversals) and read them left to right. Major Arcana cards and court cards (Page, Knight, Queen or King) do not tell the timing, but they tell other relevant information you need to know: Major Arcana tell about the events or energies outside of your direct control (major life lessons) and the court cards tell who's involved. Pip cards (number cards) between the middle and the end point of the spread tell the timing, as outlined in the previous system.

Here's an example. I have a number of creative projects underway and I wanted to see if any of them will be successful, my "meal ticket" in the future. I asked: when will I feel like my creative efforts bring me success? and got the following: 

KNIGHT OF SWORDS - 10 SWORDS - ACE OF WANDS - 10 CUPS - 9 SWORDS

This is a prime example of a spread that highlights both the importance of asking the correct question and how tarot answers in a cause-consequence-change your mindset-way.

This reads: you can feel successful fast, if you stop worrying and fretting about this and acknowledge that feeling inspired and energetic - enjoying your own creativity - is everything you need to be blissfully happy. And it's pretty much a perfect answer. 

I didn't ask about when will I earn money, when will I become famous as an artist/writer, when will I be celebrated etc. I asked, when will I feel successful. 

And it's available to me right now, if I change my mindset and stop worrying about success that I currently define in terms of earning money; if people pay me, surely I'm successful, right? But... would I feel like a success emotion- and passion-wise if I only focus on money? What if by creating to earn I feel like I'm selling out my independence and unbridled self-expression?

If we were to dig out calendar-timing, it would work like this: 

The first cards of the spread tell what is the main energy, the core of the issue, and/or what needs to happen before the question can be answered. 

The Knight of Swords is fast-paced communication or action and 10 Swords is about "murdering" one's worries - these pestering thoughts and anxieties can't live further, this is the "rock bottom". So, I must stop fretting about success - the sooner the better - to avoid hindering my creativity. This is also a reminder not to be too impatient and submit unfinished projects (Knight of Swords). 

Ace of Wands - creativity - is the core of the issue, but it's also fickle and quickly burnt out like a match. I must protect this flame by feeding it with happiness, and this inspiration will in turn make me happy. It's a self-strengthening cycle. 

9 Swords closes the sentence by saying "wake up from your anxieties, they are not real, they are all in your head". This could also mean 9 weeks, but given the nature of my projects and if I count success as being acknowledged or earning money, the most realistic answer is in 10 months as indicated by 10 Cups - - - also, I'll be happy when I'll be successful.

For more clarity, according to this method I could also look at the direction where the court cards are facing (what card they are looking at) to see what information, element or energy crucial to the timing, as well as other visual cues such as the colour scheme or repeating numbers.

I'll report back whether or not one of my projects takes off around the end of 2016!

Happy practising! 

What will happen in the future? It depends what action we take and what decisions we make.

How to solve an argument with tarot

In my view, tarot is most useful for self-development, because pulling cards for oneself and pondering the message – and then taking action to do whatever needs to be done – is a direct improvement or problem solving opportunity. 

But, we don't live in a vacuum, and nor are we islands. We all interact with other people every day and the majority our problems are not caused by only us, but they are caused, triggered, related to or made worse by others. How to use tarot to solve a curly situation with someone else?

Firstly, there are at least two schools in tarot about reading about other people’s thoughts and emotions. Some people think that we should never ask how someone else feels or thinks, because it’s prying and morally wrong. 

I’m with the opposite school. I think that we as people are always trying to figure what the other people are up to – either directly by asking or indirectly by trying to deduct or guess based on our own experience and earlier encounters with the said person – so it’s impossible to live a human life without trying to understand other people. 

If cards can help us to understand others better and build bridges between people, then I think it’s justified to try and use tarot to figure what's going on in someone else's head and heart. 

What absolutely needs to be remembered when trying to pick someone’s else’s feelings and thoughts with tarot is that:

a) if tarot is “supernatural” and really can pick someone’s thoughts, then it is more direct spying than guessing: “spying” comes with a moral obligation to not use the knowledge against the person; and

b) never trust the cards blindly.

It’s still possible that your take on the card is not correct, or it shows just a tiny snapshot of the person’s inner workings, or the situation changes rapidly and the person doesn’t think that way in the long run (life is fluid and ever-changing anyway), or your interpretation of the emotion is wrong (say: you see someone’s sad, think it’s because they deeply miss you, whereas they’re sad due to self-pity about losing the fight with you).

So, what could you ask to help navigate a difficult situation?

How to solve an argument - spread

This exercise spread is for me and a relative: we don’t see eye to eye. My relative is sure that certain conspiracy theories are true, whereas I think they are nonsense. Consequently, we end up ruining happy family gatherings by arguing about this.

What is the real core of the issue (the bone to pick)? 2 SWORDS

Indecision and lack of clarity, but also two minds going to completely different directions. My truth simply is different to her truth, and they do not align or combine well. World is not black and white and everything can be seen from different angles - I guess I better remember this and acknowledge that neither of us has all of the facts nor absolute clarity about how things really are.

How do I see this issue? ACE OF PENTACLES

I think it’s mainly about money and greed: these conspiracy theories (e.g. climate change is a hoax) are motivated by the need to earn more and more (big oil and gas businesses wanting to secure profit). It’s also about focusing only on the material world at the expense of any other, including spiritual or scientific take: if you only focus on what you can directly experience with your senses, you’ll miss a lot of data about the world - such as is there more air pollutants or not in the atmosphere? If you can’t see them, it doesn’t mean it’s not true.

How does the other person see this issue? 6 CUPS

I think the person just wants to secure a happy, safe life to her and her family, with no need to worry about how someone’s going to take it all away one day and ruin the carefree, easygoing existence. The person also wants to go back to the past where no such things as climate change were ever heard of and hence, didn’t cause any trouble or hassle to anyone. It was a life of simply enjoying existence without having to worry about overpopulation, allocation of resources, environmental protection, survival of human kind etc.

Why is it important to me to be right? 10 CUPS

To ensure happy coexistence, environment and atmosphere for the extended family. I’m done with arguing, I’d just like everyone to enjoy each other’s company and live in harmony.

Why is it important to the other person to be right? EMPEROR

This card talks about control and power, but also permanence and solidity in life: the bed rock of one’s life. It’s possible this person wants to expose the authority that is (in her view) wrongly exerted upon people (environmental taxes etc.), or, she would want to have a solid ground how to live, without having to worry how these evil forces of the world want to disrupt her lifestyle by imposing rules.

What is the ideal solution for me? 2 CUPS

To understand each other, see eye to eye, be able to connect, listen and be heard – and feel happy about the existence and company of each other. Yes, that would be ideal.

What is the ideal solution for the other person? 7 CUPS

I suspect this means she’d like me to see the world like she sees it: see all those opportunities and threats that surround us, use my imagination more, accept that not everything is like the “mainstream media” wants to present it, that there can be more going on behind the closed doors.

What is the middle ground? QUEEN OF SWORDS

Stick to the facts, don’t get emotional. Stay grounded and mature, don’t engage into fights, don’t attack, but cut through any BS with clarity and confidence. There’s no real reason to fight, but, at the same time, there’s no real reason to not stand my ground and present my facts as I know them. And allow this same opportunity to her, too, it’s not just about me.

What action should I take to reach the middle ground? 9 CUPS

Focus on feeling satisfied and happy, and also remember to party. I usually meet this relative in family parties and gettogethers, so focusing on having fun and appreciating the lovely food, drinks and company would work much better than engaging into petty bickering.

The likely outcome if I take the advice? 10 SWORDS

This matter will be put to rest, it will die off. Yes, there might still be some arguments left but eventually we’ll move on, tired. The topic and the thoughts and worries associated to it will just die out, there is no energy and interest left to keep waving these swords at each other. The worst is upon us, it can't get worse than this, so we might just move on. 

*

Of course, using this spread does not guarantee that the other person is willing to cooperate or back off. But at least it gives you clarity on where the other person is coming from, what motivates them, and what would their ideal solution be, so that you can reassess your approach and see if you can offer an olive branch. If you can’t, at least you are better informed in your actions!

When we fight, we normally try to defend either literally or symbolically our existence or our cubs, the beloved "children" (projects, thoughts, feelings, anything we create). Instincts run unchecked. But, what about the other party? Most likely he or she is feeling exactly the same. 

How to be a better partner?

I bumped into this question on an online forum: should you or should you not change for love?

One valid view is that of course not. If you need to try and change who you are, it’s a dead end road from the beginning. Carving out elements of your personality or trying to fit in someone else’s mold simply can’t work or provide any sort of long-term happiness. Which, I fully agree, is true. Trying to please someone else by being something you are NOT is a surefire way to break your own heart and maybe your own spine and self-esteem, too.

I want to make clear that I’m pretty much the last person on earth who wants to advocate bending over backwards for someone else.

I’ve had my own issues with clingy and co-dependent people, and I’ve went through a crash-course about how to deal with and survive from a manipulative narcissist, so I strongly encourage everyone to stand their own ground. However, there is a difference between being your current self, warts and scales and all, and being the best version of yourself.

Nobody can be perfect, but quite a few of us can be slightly improved, if we first identify what’s not working in and for ourselves and for our relationship. This is quite a self-evident advice but not everyone realises it when they are pining for a relationship, or for a better relationship. The only person you can change is you – and, let’s take an honest look: are you a genuinely nice person to be with?

We’ve all heard about “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”, but could that worst be brought into a bit more manageable level?

Does it have to be the Third World War or the annual convention of drama queens or kings, when you’re at your worst? For me it certainly was at some stage, but I eventually realised that I’m not being very fair – nor nice. And why would I want to put my beloved through such a misery in the first place – I love him more than anything in the world, and I want him to know it, every day of the year.

Here’s a spread I created to examine this very question, and my own sample reading.

How to be a better partner?

1. What is my overall partnering style (how do I behave in a relationship)?
2. With who am I compatible with?
3. What is something my partner(s, ex and current) like about me?
4. What is something my partner(s, ex and current) dislike about me?
5. What should I leave behind to be a better partner?
6. What should I embrace to be a better partner?
7. What action should I take to find/build/maintain a fulfilling relationship?

- - 7 - -

- 5 - 6 -

1 - 2 -3 - 4

What is my overall style of being a partner? 8 CUPS

I’m always searching for something new in my life, I’m never fully satisfied. This card is and is not true, depending on the angle. I aspire to commit for life and when I’m in love, I believe it will last forever. Of course sometimes things change and it won’t, but I’ve always been in lasting relationships and the current one – marriage to my soulmate – for all intents and purposes is supposed to last for a lifetime and beyond. 

However, in every other area in my life I’m always in search for more – or something new. I like experiencing new things and I get bored easily with hobbies, work etc. I blame my Gemini moon for this insatiable thirst for new knowledge, new emotions, new experiences, new viewpoints. And I keep dragging/inspiring my partner to this quest, too. I pretty much have a new plan for my/our life every week and some of those plans transpire to action, some don’t, because I come up with a new, even “better” plan.

With who am I compatible with? LOVERS

With my soulmate, duh, thank you tarot. With the person who makes me feel that he is the choice of my mind, heart, body and soul: when the relationship makes me feel all these aspects of myself are in perfect alignment and it feels like it’s a match made in heaven.

What is something my partner(s) like about me? ACE OF PENTACLES

I’m a solid choice, I guess. As I said, I commit and see the value of the relationship. I’m also crafty and always on the lookout for new opportunities: to earn money, grow as a person, learn something new, network, find and incorporate something new and interesting into my/our life. I’m also the “cheerleader” or the life coach of my partner, trying to find job opportunities for him and supporting him through the application process from writing the resume together to coaching for the interview.

What is something my partner(s) dislike about me? PAGE OF SWORDS

Hmm. I’m an eternal student and currently I’m studying towards a PhD degree. I simply love learning and I dwell in areas of my interest for days to an end. I don’t believe my partners necessarily dislike the studious or curious side, but perhaps this pertains to my communication blunders – the immature and inconsiderate side of the Page. I’m known for my stupid blurt-outs and inadvertent heartless comments that I have let escape my lips without thinking. Time to practice, clearly…

What should I put behind to be a better partner? 2 WANDS

This card most often means change of heart to me. It’s a passionate choice, made after an earlier passionate choice. I definitely recognise myself from this flipping back and forth and this relates to the earlier 8 Cups, always on the quest to find fulfilment that never comes. My husband is much more solid with his plans and this sometimes causes distress and tension for him – he feels I’m uprooting him with my flickering plans to move to Japan to teach English, move to New Zealand to own an adventure company, move to Queensland, Australia, to have our own wedding resort… I’ve been learning the hard way that the only way forward in life is to set intention and then follow through with resilience. This butterfly tendency to hop from one plan to another with a moment’s notice is clearly not the most helpful in a relationship, nor is it taking me anywhere, really.

What should I embrace to be a better partner? 9 SWORDS

Stop worrying for nothing. I’m normally easygoing and relaxed, but sometimes I get stuck in a loop of anxieties and worries: why are things not progressing as I’d like? Is something bad going to happen? How can I keep myself and my partner safe from accidents, misfortune etc.? This, again, is not very helpful. Alternatively, this card could simply say “nothing”, stop worrying about needing to be something different or more!

What action should I take to maintain a fulfilling relationship? 2 CUPS. 

Haha, another no-brainer! Be a giving, open and receptive partner: transparent and generous in your emotions and expect the same in return. Love with your full heart and be loved in return.

More of this same topic can be found in this article: how one husband changed the course of his marriage by biting the bullet, stopping the blame game and changing his own behaviour. And what flow-on effects it had on his wife and life. An interesting read! 

2 Cups, Joie de Vivre tarot, Paulina Cassidy. Mutual, equal, shared, true love.

Planning a tarot business? Read this

I'm definitely a newbie in tarot business and by no means claim to be an expert, but I thought I could share some thoughts from the beginning of this journey and maybe update later on, how the feelings change throughout time when I gain more experience as a pro.

I've read for myself since early 2011, and I ventured to read for others on an online forum for free some six months ago. I got hooked immediately: there's something incredibly empowering (for both the reader and the sitter) and profound in being able to deliver useful, meaningful and pertinent messages to complete strangers, whose life is otherwise unknown to me. The mystery of how the cards can make sense is both baffling and satisfying each time a reading hits the nail on the head.

I turned "pro" (i.e. felt competent enough to start charging for my readings) just before Christmas 2015 so I've hit the landmark of first two months as a professional tarot reader pretty much about now. Some might say I'm not a pro yet, because tarot is not my main source of income, it merely supplements my finances. Even though I'd like to earn more as a pro - to be able to do more in the realm of tarot and dedicate a bigger chunk of my life to it-, right now money is not the main driver. Being a reader - the map reader of the soul -, is more about me living my calling than becoming rich.

Where do I work? I work from home, during the week before and after my office job; and also during weekends. I spend on average one hour per day in doing readings, and some 3-4 hours/wk on top of that for writing this blog to talk about tarot. I work online for a company called Phutureme, where I had to pass a tarot interview (do successful readings for free) to be able to be added as a reader. I also work through this website and do face to face readings and tarot tutoring in my home office (our guest room turned into a tarot parlour).

How to get started? In my opinion, the most surefire way to earn as a reader is to get listed by a bigger (online) company. I've never worked for a phone line, because I prefer written readings or face to face discussions. I also like it that online readings have a flexible timeframe and I don't have to pick up immediately if I don't have time, nor do I have to be "on call".

I'm considering adding Skype as an option to offer readings, though, because it could allow long-distance readings in a face-to-face-format. Having one's own website is the equal or the second best option IMO. Long term, all of us probably want to be our own bosses, but at the beginning, it's easier to be found through a big company than being buried under millions of other tarot websites in Google.

I also tried to offer doing readings in a number of local mystic shops, but nobody was interested. In other cities and countries this can work better, but in Perth, there doesn't seem to be enough demand for this type of "esoteric" service, as there are not that many shops - or I just didn't find the right ones.

How much do I earn? Like I said, this is not my main driver as I also have a full-time bill-paying job, but in the name of full transparency, I think it's useful to discuss this to inform the fellow tarot enthusiasts who contemplate setting up their own business. My tarot-related income fluctuates between $100-200/week, so it's a decent extra sum on top of my other earnings, but it would not keep me going by itself: my home city, Perth, is one of the most expensive in the world, unfortunately.

My goal is to be able to earn at least half of my income via tarot/intuition in the next three years. Naturally earnings depend on what you charge. I charge to cover the time, skills and effort I'm putting into readings, but not too much to avoid making it inaccessible - tarot for me is all about helping others, after all.

How does it feel to have a tarot business? Firstly, you need resilience and confidence. A lot has been written about how not everyone will embrace your choice of business, for example by the Tarot Lady.

Not all the people in my life know about my business and at first I felt that I'm not being honest if I don't tell to all of my family, friends, colleagues etc. immediately - but once I started telling to some of them and I got responses ranging from mild interest to indifference, I realised that my life and my decisions are much less interesting to other people than I thought. Every one of us is mostly concerned with our own lives and decisions, after all!

My services are also targeted to people who are not in my immediate social circles (it's easier to read to strangers than friends and family, IMO), so I realised that what's the point of making a big announcement or fuss about this when people will gradually learn anyway.

How does it feel to deliver a reading? This depends whether the reading is done online or face to face. Both have their own benefits and downfalls.

An online reading is smooth but unemotional in the sense that you see the cards (either pick them yourself or view the spread picked by the client) and type what the message is; and then send. 90% of the people don't give any feedback or get back with questions, but some ask clarifications or follow up. Before I started, I was a bit nervous that what if people keep asking tons of follow up questions and I end up charging for half of the time that's actually spent on a reading. Either it's due to my style - clear and to the point - or people don't feel like "wasting time forever", but most people are happy with one clarifying comment/message.

However, this lack of feedback often leaves me wondering that whether or not the reading was spot on or useful. The website calculates what percentage of clients become frequents and my average is the same than the website's in general (approximately every fifth client) so I take that to mean at least some people are happy enough to keep coming back.

In online readings, the exchange is somewhat more "clinical" than face to face, because the topic and the question are not really discussed: it's usually a short, sharp question and bam, the answer.

A face to face reading is at the same time more enjoyable and draining than an online reading. I love the connection that builds up with the cards and with the client. However, face to face readings usually take double or triple the time than online readings and staying focused, tuned in, connected with the client and talking for an hour and a half is draining, even if it's gratifying.

Face to face readings also come with an element of experiencing emotions, which can be difficult, especially at the beginning. During the first time(s), the reader will be nervous, whereas the client is anxious to get answers. Clients can go through deep feelings during the reading (I myself burst into tears when I had a clairvoyant reading done for myself), because the topics that are discussed are often sensitive, possibly painful and very pertinent - the shock of hearing someone describing your life to a T might in itself be an emotional experience.

The ability to deliver negative news in an emphatic manner is probably one, if not the most important skill a reader can develop and have.

In my experience, people seek for a reading when they are in some sort of a distressing spot in life. When everything's going well, there's no need for clarity and guidance. Also, buried or neglected matters often come up in a reading without the sitter having planned to discuss them, so the ability to be flexible and guide the reading and discussion in a supportive, encouraging manner is the key skill for a reader, I think.

I have not yet encountered a difficult client either online or face to face, but I have encountered pestering, dismissive or disrespectful sitters in the free readings online forum I used to practice at.

People might ask questions you don't feel comfortable answering (such as: how could I hurt my ex because s/he hurt me), they  might not accept the message you've given and behave in an aggressive manner towards you; or they might beg for more cards/readings than you have promised to deliver. I personally don't have a problem with saying no, but setting healthy boundaries is definitely among the key business skills of a reader.

Phutureme offers free tarot spreads, numerology calculators and other forecasting tools; paid interpretation available but it's not a requirement for using the spreads. 

Unearth your hidden talents - "activate your strange jewels"

Do you suspect you have - or maybe, you believe you don't have! - hidden talents that nobody, including you, knows about? Now we have a way to find out!

This spread, activate your strange jewels, is from the Over the Moon – blog, who in turn borrowed it from Happy Fish Tarot. Carrie of Happy Fish got the inspiration for her spread from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love and Big Magic. 

Carrie describes the spread like this:

We all have innate creative strengths, but for many of us these “strange jewels” (as Elizabeth Gilbert calls them) seem inaccessible and hidden. This reading will guide you in unearthing and using your own strange jewels! You’ll get actionable tips on understanding your gifts and actively engaging your creativity. 

Elizabeth in turn describes what she means by “the strange jewels” like this:

I’ve always embraced magical thinking when it comes to creativity. I see inspiration as a mysterious external force that comes to us from unknown realms, in order to collaborate with our imaginations. This is how humans saw the artistic process for thousands of years, and it still works for me! 

I certainly like this fanciful approach to creativity better than the modern notion of the tormented artist, suffering alone in anguish and martyrdom. My book is an effort to lure people back into the “Big Magic” — into a more celebratory and mystical way of being a maker. (from the Etsy Blog)

And, this is how you do it:

Activate your strange jewels 
(or, unearth your hidden, unexpected talents or traits)

Card 1- Accessible Gifts: 8 CUPS.

This card talks about leaving an unsatisfactory or unfulfilling situation behind for a quest to find what makes one happy. At first sight, this does not look like a positive gift, but on a deeper level, this is a very pertinent card. I’ve never been afraid in life to leave a situation (or location, action, feeling or person) behind which or who does not serve a positive purpose anymore, even if it once brought joy.

I guess this is a good talent to have, because if I were afraid to move on, nothing would ever change. This definitely changed my view of the 8 Cups as the card of sad abandonment of something. Walking away is not always a bad thing – in fact, it can be the first step of something new and great -, even if it hurts at the moment of leaving.

Card 2 - Unconscious Gifts: DEVIL.

This is even more cryptic at the first sight than the 8 Cups. How could negative forces, unhealthy attachments and fear possibly be good gifts? Then it clicked.

I have a tendency of getting obsessed by whatever interests me. It can be anything from tarot to the nature of reality to travel stories to thriller novels. I go through periods of finding out everything I can about a topic, dwelling in it, thinking – definitely overthinking – it. It’s not the healthiest way to be passionate, but it’s quite effective. This obsessive period of a few weeks or up to months is a crash course on whatever topic I’m into, and I gain the knowledge for the rest of my life. This most definitely is an unconscious and unexpected, strange jewel!

Card 3 - Challenges of Your Gifts: STAR.

I regularly seek guidance (from tarot, my intuition, synchronities and other signs around) and I’m a positive and upbeat person by nature, but I also have a tendency/downfall to not trust this guidance and sense of direction. One day I’m sure my purpose is to be a teacher of tarot and intuition. The next day I’m sure my purpose is to be a travel blogger. The third, it’s something else. I keep losing track due to overthinking and overactive imagination – but mainly, impatience.

When things don’t go to the direction I’m expecting or hoping them to go, I start doubting myself and the plans I have: should I change them? Is this after all what I’m supposed to be doing? And round and round in circles I go, not achieving what I could, but beating the bush in the dark, without seeing the star above me. Point taken, better keep scanning and following that star even during the darkest moments!

Card 4 - Your Contribution: KING OF PENTACLES.

This card is intended to represent why your gifts are important and how they contribute to the world. This is the entrepreneur card for me: a person who is in charge and enjoys controlling the material realm.

It’s my dream to have my own, financially and emotionally successful business and with this tarot site I’m taking first tentative steps to that direction. I’ve had a one person consultancy business before (arts and culture projects and event production) and I loved it – besides the financial side, which was not bountiful. This time I hope to make the most out of my strange talents by offering them to the world and hopefully making a living at the side. So perhaps my skill to courageously leave things behind and look for something more can inspire others to do the same, and leave whatever is not working in their lives behind for something new.

Card 5 - Real-World Application: 10 CUPS.

My strange gifts have the ability to make me and my partner/family/friends very happy. This is the card of domestic bliss, overflowing happiness and overall satisfaction in life. Maybe my gift and spreading it can make the people around me, or the people who seek guidance or advice from me, happy? What more could I ask? Not a thing!

Card 6 - Advice:  TOWER.

The final card gives advice on taking the next step. Whoa, this is a disturbing card to get – the card of destruction, shock, crumbling beliefs or expectations. Maybe it means I should not have any fixed or cemented mental constructions about myself or the world around me: I don’t have the whole truth or the right picture, when I start cementing my views. It’s good to be flexible and adaptable, and understand that in life, things change constantly – including myself and my own abilities.

Happy exploring!

Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert's new book about creativity. Picture via Etsy Blog.